kfitz

Write Your Own Bush Acceptance Speech!

My good pals at Salon are holding a Be Bush’s Speechwriter contest, in which one can win a year of Salon Premium (plus other valuable prizes!) for writing the best 500-word acceptance speech for W. to deliver at the upcoming RNC. The deadline’s tomorrow at 4.00 pm, PST, so you need to get a move on (get it?) if you want to win.

In order to prime the pump, Salon has posted the speech Joyce McGreevy would like to see him give:

I’m George Bush, and I’m reporting for — I’m making a report. When you make a report it is a reported entity. I ascended this country as a young man, and I will suspend it as president. (Applause.)

I want to thank everybody who’s here. And I want to thank ‘em right quick for everybody who’s not here. Some people don’t think like us. They wear T-shirts with bad words on them. That is my name on those T-shirts. I just want to reach out to those people and say, You know, we all have a obligation to vote. But that doesn’t mean you have to.

Me, I’d just like to hear him lay it all out, plainly and clearly, with no sugar-coated obfuscation: ‘Gay people disgust me, those minorities have gotten totally uppity, the only bit of the environment I care about is in Crawford, freedom means freedom for me to do whatever I want, and the problems of the poor are not my problem.’ I don’t need him to be a moron; all he has to do is be honest in order to lose a big chunk of the middle.

So if you could hear W. say anything (but don’t have time or the inclination to enter the contest), what would it be?

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