Uncharted is the 445th episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 2022 action-adventure film Uncharted, based on the video game series of the same name. It was published on May 10, 2022, to coincide with the film's release on Blu-ray and DVD. It is 6 minutes and 3 seconds long. It has been viewed over 200,000 times.
Script[]
From the Disney of gaming (PlayStation Productions), and the EA of film (Sony Pictures), comes a swashbuckling romp about a buff dude, a smaller quippy guy, and a sexy lady with an accent, to hunt down a mythical treasure.
Red Notice-- I-I mean, Jungle Cruise-- No, wait! I mean, Uncharted. Ugh! Since when did bad versions of The Mummy become its own genre?
The Uncharted games make you feel like you're playing an action movie; now, the big screen adaptation has arrived, and you'll feel like you're watching someone else play Uncharted while you fall asleep on their couch, that plucks a few cool moments from the games (shots comparing the movie and game versions of the cargo plane fight), and scrambles everything else into a bland cinematic paste. But hey, everyone loves an unfaithful game adaptation, right? (shows the poster for Doom (2005)) Right? (shows the poster for Assassin's Creed (2016)) ...Right? (shows the poster for the Halo television series) No?! Then why did this one get a pass?! (a ScreenRant article with the title "How Uncharted's Box Office Beat The Awful Reviews To Become A Success" pops up) Are you that horny for Spider-Man? Do better, humanity!
Tom Holland is Peter Parker with a fake ID; after growing roughly five years from his childhood flashback, Nate's become one of those bartenders who thinks of themselves as more of a mixologist.
Zoe: A negroni.
Nate: First made in 1919 for Count Camillo Negroni when he swapped the soda water in his usual drink, the Americano, for gin.
In between shaking appletinis, he's also become a self-taught history scholar and parkour expert who definitely knows how to shoot a gun. (shows game Nate shooting guns) Oops! I was thinking of the games again; silly me. No, this version just knows how to chew some gum. (montage of Nate chewing gum)
Sully: You should actually put the gum... in the martini.
Nate: --not a bad idea.
You know, it's one thing to cast a younger Nathan for a prequel, but did they really have to treat him like a buff little toddler the whole time?
Sully: You still working on the tie?
Nate: I just can't figure out the length.
Sully: I made you a drink.
Nate: Shirley Temple. That's hilarious.
Sully: --puberty's right around the corner, kid. You can grow your own.
When you put Boston and a crucifix in your script, you summon Mark Wahlberg. And when Marky Mark remarks on Nate's mark...
Sully: She was the right mark.
...he'll deny Marky Mark's mark remarks...
Nate: I'm not a mark in some bar.
...but when Marky Mark remarks on your mark, mark my words: you're Marky Mark's next mark. Watch them form a "Mini-Me, even Minier-Me" relationship...
Nate: You're only, like, one inch taller than me...
...as this charming one-dimensional actor shows Tom Holland his acting future.
Nate: --you think that I know something?
Sully: Yeah. Do you?
Nate: Did you really just ask me that?
Bravo, gentlemen. <smooch> <smooch> Powerful stuff. And when they throw a woman into the mix with all the depth and backstory of a cave troll...
Chloe: One day, I found a bronze statue covered in gems buried under a bridge.
...it'll kick off a non-stop three-way of double-crosses...
Nate: Sully, where you going? You can't leave me.
Sully: You let her take the cross? You let her take the cross.
Chloe: Give it to me.
Nate: You're kidding, right?
Nate: Chloe?
Chloe's Note: I'm sorry, Nate.
Nate: Yeah, I might have let her steal the wrong coordinates.
Sully: (laughs)
...in a quip-filled face-off over actual crosses.
Sully: Give me your cross.
Nate: Not giving you my cross. Why would I do that?
Sully: You don't need 'em both.
Braddock: Give me the cross.
Sully: You haven't said "please".
Nate: Throw your key down!
Sully: You two think you're gonna double-cross me?
Nate: --you want the stupid key, or you want the gold?
Nate: So give me the key. (Chloe holds up her cross)
Yeah, it goes on like this for, like, 90 minutes. Trust me.
Nate: --we're gonna have to figure out a way to trust each other.
Sully: She's not to be trusted.
Chloe's Note: --the minute you start to trust someone, you lose.
Nate: You can trust me.
Sully: Trust me! / What, you don't trust me?
Nate: What, you don't trust me?
Sully: I don't trust anybody.
It's $5 billion in gold! Just split it three ways, morons! What are you trying to do, buy Twitter?!
Strap in for a globetrotting adventure -- but, like, the kind where you stay in hostels to cut costs -- as Nate and Sully travel from the Kitty Got Wet bar (?) in Manhattan, to Spain's most ancient Papa John's...
Sully: I'm, like, literally in a Papa John's right now.
...to a cave with not one, but two old boats inside -- Suck it, Goonies! -- all stitched together by a thin paste of banter, parkour, and Blue's Clues-level puzzles, in a film that doesn't even try to justify why two Boston jabronis can steal another country's gold for themselves. (in a Mark Wahlberg impression) "What, are you some kind of professor or something? Just shut up and fill your cargo pants, okay? And while you're at it, say hello to your brother--"
Braddock: Say hi to your brother for me, will you?
"Hey! That's my line, lady!"
So fly through an adventure so average, Netflix is using it to train their A.I. that writes their movies, that's not so much a prequel of Uncharted as it is a Frankenstein's monster of Uncharted 4, a bad photocopy of Indiana Jones...
Nate: Nuns. Why's it always got to be nuns? / (to Chloe) --when did you decide to become Indiana Jones?
...and the soft launch of the PlayStation Cinematic Universe. Eh, pass. But how much cooler would it have been if they crossed it over with... I don't know, God of War, Saints Row, and Assassin's Creed?!
Hotel Guest: (as Nolan North's credits in Assassin's Creed, God of War, and Saints Row: Gat Out of Hell pop up) What the hell happened to you two?
That doesn't count.
Starring: Peter Parkour (Tom Holland as Nathan "Nate" Drake) (montage of Nate performing parkour, with each stunt punctuated by Michael Scott from The Office yelling "Parkour!"); Wahlburglars (Mark Wahlberg as Victor "Sully" Sullivan); I'm Puss... in Suits (Antonio Banderas as Santiago Moncada); Goons Never Say Die (Tati Gabrielle as Jo Braddock); Grey's Archaeology (Sophia Ali as Chloe Frazer); Nolan North on Vacation by Himself in the Phillipines (sic), Hmm... (Nolan North as Hotel Guest); Uncharted Fans When They Watch This Movie...
Chloe: Salt.
...Drake? Drake?? DRAAAAAAKE (Rudy Pankow as Samuel "Sam" Drake); and "Oh Crap" Remastered (montage of characters saying "Holy sh*t!").
The honest title for Uncharted was ‘Tom Raider’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
(shows Nate opening a lockbox, with the camera focusing on a Naughty Dog sticker on the top) Wait a minute! Naughty Dog the company exists in this world?! ...What games do they make?
Viewer's Comments[]
Please say, "The more I understand humanity, the more I love my dog." - Stiltzkin Venserine
Please say "I'm talking in Morse code" in actual morse code please - Dat damn Kez
Trivia[]
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, & Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand
Post-Production Coordinator: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Assistant Editor: Rebecca Castaneda
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne