The Wolverine is the 553rd episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 2013 superhero film The Wolverine. It was published on July 23, 2024, to coincide with the release of Hugh Jackman's latest film at the time of posting, Deadpool & Wolverine. It is 7 minutes and 19 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script[]
In a world with a lot of Hugh Jackman Wolverine movies, and also a lot of "Westerners versus the Yakuza" movies (shows the posters for American Yakuza, Black Rain, and Rising Sun, followed by a clip of Yakuza members singing in American Yakuza), only one of them has a heart-sucking robotic spider, implanted by a snake lady, that powers a grandpa in a mech suit. That's different enough, right? Shall we forward the $20 million to your usual account, Mr. Jackman?
The Wolverine... you know, the one in Japan.
After James Mangold directed the best sandwich work of De Niro's career...
Sheriff Freddy Heflin (Cop Land): I need to do something. I need to do this for myself!
Lt. Moe Tilden: (while eating a sandwich) Listen to me, you deaf f*ck! [...] I offered you a chance to be a cop, and you blew it!
...Fox scooped him up to salvage their Wolvie spin-off franchise, which was off to such a bad start, we can still pull up any random clip of it for an easy laugh.
Dukes: Did you just call me... "Blob"?
Logan: No, but... (gets slammed by Dukes)
Haha! See?
Hugh Jackman is back to his signature role, making all of his signature grunts (montage of Logan yelling in combat), as he's taken on a whirlwind tour of Japan's most ancient and powerful Hollywood tropes: ritual seppuku (shows Japanese officers committing seppuku), ninja clans (shows Shingen opening the doors to his house to find a group of ninjas ambushing him), legendary katanas...
Yukio: This sword is hundreds of years old...
...all from the POV of a tourist who couldn't flip through a guidebook on the way over.
Mariko: Chopsticks upright are a bad omen. It resembles incense at a funeral. / This isn't right. You need this tied like a proper samurai.
Ichirō: Japanese sword require two hands.
Shingen: (yells at Yukio in Japanese)
Logan: (punches Shingen) English!
After being forced to kill Jean Grey in X3: The Last Stand, another one we can play any clip of for a cheap laugh -- (shows Xavier making silly faces as Jean's psychic powers overwhelm him) See? -- Logan has retired from violence...
Riley: You're not a hunter, are you?
Logan: Not anymore.
Logan: That's not who I am anymore, you understand?
...unless you hurt a bear, in which case, open season. (shows Logan stabbing a hunter in the hand with his own arrow, then drinking a shot) He spends his time getting hammered in the woods, while sleeping through more dream layers than Inception (montage of Logan violently waking from nightmares), but when he's called to save the Japanese man he spent the summer with in a hole playing with each other's swords, he'll fly to Tokyo for a once-in-a-lifetime offer: death.
Ichirō: I can end your eternity... make you mortal.
Yukio: An honorable death, an end to your pain.
Ichirō: I'm not ready to die now. But you are. / You know I'm giving you the very death... you longed for.
You know, it's poignant looking back on this, knowing that the character, the actor, and the audience will never let his Wolverine die and move on. (shows Logan flatlining) Let the man eat carbs and sing show tunes! Hand the claws to an angry manlet already! (shows Zac Efron as Kevin Von Erich in The Iron Claw)
Watch Logan go up against some of the middest villains yet, like... waves of Yakuza NPCs straight out of the game franchise (shows a group of Yakuza being introduced with their own subtitle, followed by a montage of Logan fighting them), a businessman who's earned his black belt in ka-rushingly personal insults...
Shingen: Time for you to go back to your cave. / You are a toy doll. A companion for a child who has outgrown you.
...and a very literal snake lady. Is it weird that no matter how far she takes the snake-isms, I'm still attracted to her? (shows Viper shedding her skin) Hear me out.
But when Wolverine loses his healing powers -- (shows Logan taking a shotgun blast to the chest and bleeding out) Oof, tough way to find out. -- he'll still save the day the only way he knows how: bloodlessly slashing at people just offscreen. (montage of Logan slashing at opponents with his claws while not drawing any blood) Only way to ensure those sweet PG-13 dollars: let the "Snikt!" sound do all the work. (montage of Logan drawing his claws with a high-pitched "Snikt!", followed by Logan stabbing a Yakuza member through a door) Or sometimes a door, as long as you can't see any red stuff.
Joining him is Mariko, an heiress who doesn't want his help, but he's not taking no for an answer.
Mariko: I'm fine. I can make my way from here. / I told you I don't need your help.
Logan: Look, you want to be left alone.
Mariko: Yes.
Logan: I understand.
Mariko: Do you?
(shows Logan and Mariko kissing) At the risk of reigniting age gap discourse... (a graphic appears stating Logan's age to be 200+ years old) Eww. Plus, there's Yukio, a swordmaster who ran so that Katana could one day just stand there awkwardly. (shows Yukio slowly sheathing her sword after slicing a bar stool)
Yukio: Just think of me as your bodyguard.
Col. Rick Flag: She's got my back.
So take a relaxing dip into a slower-paced, more character-driven X-Men adventure...
Logan: Tired.
...that took Wolverine out of his element, allowing us to view him from a new perspective (shows Logan taking multiple arrows to the back, followed by him interrupting Mariko's attempted suicide)... until the third act, where he fights a mecha samurai and recommits to a life of superhero stuff.
Shingen: What kind of monster are you?
Logan: The Wolverine.
I mean, come on; what's he going to do? Die on some hill after proving he's managed to hold on to his core humanity? (shows that exact scene in Logan) You can't end a movie like that!
Trask Industries Commercial Narrator: --we're on the front lines, keeping you healthy, keeping you safe.
There you go! Bolivar Trask! He made the Sentinels! Whoo!
Starring: You Can't Spell Hugh Without H.G.H. (Hugh Jackman as Logan/Wolverine); Tokyo Hilton (Tao Okamoto as Mariko Yashida); Death Bcc's Her (Rila Fukushima as Yukio); Gross Dad: Way of the Samurai (Hiroyuki Sanada as Shingen Yashida); Poison Slimy (Svetlana Khodchenkova as Viper); Arch Nemesis (Will Yun Lee as Kenuichio Harada); Elon Husk (Haruhiko Yamanouchi as Ichirō Yashida); Tonight I Dine on Wolverine Soup! (Silver Samurai); Gai-Jean Grey (Famke Janssen as Jean Grey); and (shows Logan staring at a bear walking beside him) ...Phew! I Thought You Were a Man for a Second (shows the bear urinating on a tree stump).
Lōgun
The honest title for The Wolverine was ‘Lōgun’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Shingen: What are you?
Viper: A chemist, nihilist, capitalist... A mutation.
Couldn't come up with one more "-ist" word? You were doing so well!
Viewer's Comments[]
Say in Wolverine's voice: "I'm the best there is at what I do, but what I do best isn't very nice." - friedrodent112
In honor of Euro 2024, please say "It's STILL not coming home!" - benabramowitz18
In memory of Shelley Duvall, say in your Epic Voice, "Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall" - BryceEdwards-qk6px
I'm having my first kid in January! Please please say "Coming 2025, ITS.. A.. BOY!" - joshchavez8190
Trivia[]
- The third comment in the viewer's comments pays tribute to Shelley Duvall, an actress best known for her role as Wendy Torrance in The Shining, who passed away on July 11, 2024, at the age of 75 due to complications from diabetes.
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Manager: Emin Bassavand
Content Manager: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Post-Production Specialist: Rebecca Castaneda
VP Content: Max Dionne