The Marvels is the 529th episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 2023 superhero film The Marvels. It was published on January 23, 2024. It is 6 minutes and 33 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script[]
From the studio (Marvel Studios) still nursing their post-Endgame hangover (shows Goose vomiting up various objects), comes an epic team-up between the fourth lead in WandaVision, the least-watched Disney+ hero, and the amnesiac who always has someplace better to be.
Rhodes: Where the hell have you been all this time?
Carol: There are a lot of other planets in the universe.
Carol: I was going to come back. [...] There was people that needed me.
Captain Marvel: I'm so sorry. I have to deal with this. (exits the hologram call)
Bruce Banner: She--She does this a lot.
<sigh> Kinda makes you miss the old days... (plays a clip from Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania) Older... (plays a clip from Thor: Love and Thunder) Older... (plays a clip from Eternals) Older... (plays a clip from Avengers: Endgame) We really could've just stopped there, huh?
The Marvels
You told yourself you wouldn't see another MCU film.
Monica: I can't.
And wow, you weren't kidding this time (a Variety article with the title "'The Marvels' Ends Box Office Run as Lowest-Grossing MCU Movie in History" pops up), because now that it costs around 200 bucks a year to stay current (shows ticket prices for Cinemark costing $20 a person, and a Disney+ Premium subscription costing $140 per year), with about three movies and three shows annually, some of which are the worst things to happen to eyes since bleach, how could you not hop off at this point? Even the characters skipped the streaming shows!
Carol: When did you get powers?
Dar-Benn: Where did you get that?
Kamala: My grandma.
Monica: So, I switched with someone named Kamala Khan?
Fury: Yeah. She seemed to be as confused as you are.
(an NME article with the title "'Ms. Marvel' earns lowest viewership of any Marvel Disney+ show" pops up)
Like the MCU itself, watch Carol Danvers get weighed down by Disney+ baggage.
Dar-Benn: The Annihilator is here?
Ty-Rone: Yeah, well, she was. And then, these two just sort of... appeared.
She's still so strong, her fights are a formality (shows Carol knocking down a group of Kree with a shockwave), still struggling to remember what happened in Captain Marvel...
Carol: I see... flashes.
...and still letting that trademark charisma shine.
Monica: Need a hand?
Carol: ...Yeah.
Carol: I didn't want this.
Monica: Still?
Carol: Yeah.
But now, for the first time since Scott Pilgrim, Brie Larson gets to sing and dance!
Carol: (singing) Give me a chance here before it gets too messy.
Prince Yan: (singing) So lead the wolf inside our walls.
...As long as you don't count the 2018 film Basmati Blues...?
Linda: (singing) Love don't knock at my door...
This can't be real.
Gurgon: We're sending you to India.
Linda: Me?
It is?
Linda and Rajit: (singing) I am just a fool about to fall...
Is the Khan family okay with this...?
Aamir: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Rounding out the Brie-some is Monica Rambeau, whose powers and problems come from fondling mysterious glowing barriers. (shows Monica touching energy barriers in both WandaVision and this film) Stop fondling the barriers! And carrying the movie on her back is Kamala Khan, the last teenager who still gets hyped for this stuff.
Kamala: (shrieks) It's Nick Fury!
Iman Vellani gives her all, as the top contributor to Captain Marvel's section on Archive of Our Own...
Kamala: <GASP!>
Carol: Hold that thought.
...but that love will be tested when she sees her hero leave refugees to die...
Kamala: How can you just leave them here?!
Carol: Kamala, now! We need to save who we can!
...almost gets her killed...
Computer: Incoming missiles.
Kamala: We need to leave now.
Carol: I can do this!
Monica: And you'll kill us trying.
...and admits to some light genocide.
Carol: I'm the reason why the civil war started in the first place. I'm the reason why they couldn't breathe the air. That's how I got the name Annihilator.
Just kidding! Besties always hold space for their queens to slay...
Kamala: I'm glad to be here.
...entire planets. (shows Carol's energy shaving the entire top floor off a Kree skyscraper) <sigh> That's going to be really tough to doodle...
Secret Invasion left Nick Fury a broken man, but that show will get memory-holed, like Hulk's son, the Inhumans, and the fact that Earth is a giant egg; besides, the whole Skrull refugee crisis gets solved with a phone call. (shows Valkyrie teleporting in) AUGH! Bad flashback! (shows Agent M groaning) Now, Fury's become jokey Jeff Bezos, pulling randoms into space...
Fury: --your dad is not adjusting very well to space travel.
...and abusing his employees.
Fury: It's much easier to transport a family of cats than hundreds of crew members.
But if you're wondering where his wife went, why Skrulls are welcome on Earth...
President Ritson: We will kill every last one of you.
...or how Carol feels about him secretly harvesting her DNA, don't overthink it. Or... he's a Skrull, too? Or... Black girl magic?
Fury: Black Girl Magic! (points upward)
So gear up for another Phase Five dud, that, despite the online hate, is at its best when it's just having fun for g-g-g-girls, complete with Disney Princess makeovers, kitties, and using emotional intelligence to work through differences.
Monica: Thank you.
Iron Man could never...
Tony: (reaching over Peter) That's not a hug; I'm just grabbing the door for you.
It's just that there isn't enough cope in the world to huff before sky beams look cool again (shows Dar-Benn launching a purple energy beam into the sky), name jokes get funny again...
Kamala: Firefly? Night Light. Countess Marvel. Mistress Marvel? Doctor Marvel?
Monica: That's too much.
Carol: --Lady of Light?
Kamala: Ooh. Frequency.
Monica: No.
Kamala: Pulsar.
Monica: No.
Kamala: Pulsar... Light Lady.
Monica: Absolutely not.
Kamala: We'll workshop it.
Monica: No, thank you.
...or end-credit cameos feel surprising again.
Beast: You somehow crossed through a tear in space-time.
If they really want to sell a crossover, he should tell them about the Money Plane Initiative.
The Rumble: Whatever you want to wager on, the Money Plane has you covered.
(in a Kelsey Grammer impression) "You want to bet on Spider-Man f*cking an alligator? Secret Wars."
Starring: The Bored Identity (Brie Larson as Carol Danvers/Captain Marvel); Rambeau: First Dud (Teyonah Parris as Monica Rambeau); Khan You Dig It! (Iman Vellani as Kamala Khan/Ms. Marvel); Patch Atoms (Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury); Seoul Mates (Park Seo-joon as Prince Yan); The Singing Planet Is All Dead Now, Right? (shows the inhabitants of Aladna dancing); The Plot of Spaceballs (Zawe Ashton as Dar-Benn)...
Dar-Benn: I would hate for your people to suffocate when I strip the atmosphere.
Dark Helmet: Commence Operation: Vaccu-Suck!
(shows Mega-Maid activating, compared to Tarnax's atmosphere being stolen)
Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob: Suck...! Suck...! Suck...!
...Proof This Was Written by A.I....
Kamala: Ugh! Why are hands so hard to draw?
...Kitten in the Streets, Hentai in the Sheets (Nemo and Tango as Goose); and Take a Shot Anytime Someone Says "Jump Point" (montage of characters saying "jump point").
The Marvelous Misses' Space-Holes
The honest title for The Marvels was ‘The Marvelous Misses' Space-Holes’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Oh, right, the villain! Let's see... Big hammer, makes this dumb face a lot, dies, never to be seen again; classic MCU.
Viewer's Comments[]
Please say "This is a pen. This is a PEN" in honor of the Percy Jackson movies that definitely don't exist yet need an honest trailer anyway - aricaj.3006
Please say, "The laws of physics cease to exist on your stove". - CrimsonMey
Please say: "Pomeranians are a small but hardy breed!" - lovekovlover383
Trivia[]
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Edited by: Randy Whitlock
Post-Production Manager: Emin Bassavand
Content Manager: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Post-Production Specialist: Rebecca Castaneda
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne
