The Flash (90's) is the 499th episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 1990 superhero television series The Flash. It was published on June 13, 2023, to coincide with the release of The Flash (2023). It is 8 minutes and 26 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script[]
The CW show was good until it ran off a cliff (shows Grant Gustin's Flash getting distracted by a VR image of cats in his visor before smacking into the side of a van), and Ezra Miller is still at large. (shows some girls screaming at Ezra Miller's Flash) But back in the 90's, did you know The Flash was a dull network TV show with three straight-to-video movies?
Lt. Garfield: (holding a burrito) What the hell is this? (takes a bite)
Barry: Uh, it's a lox and onion burrito.
Lt. Garfield: It's good, though!
Barry: Yeah...
Sure, this version's bad, but at least it's not "choking fans in Iceland" bad, right? (shows a video of Ezra Miller grabbing a woman's throat)
The Flash Movies
Barry Allen is torn between two worlds: cop and nerd; his whole family is cops, but he prefers being in a lab running blood and semen through a database.
Barry: I happen to like those test tubes.
Everything will change when lightning blasts him into his trusty open racks of chemicals, transforming Barry into the Flash, a guy with the power to press "fast-forward" on himself...
Flash: (sits on a jury bench seat using his super-speed) Guilty! (sits on another jury bench seat using his super-speed) Guilty! (sits on another jury bench seat using his super-speed) Guilty! (sits on another jury bench seat using his super-speed) Guilty!
...and on the background behind him, leaving Central City's criminals with nothing to do but stand around like absolute losers pretending to get punched. (shows two criminals putting up little resistance as the Flash punches them at high-speed) Wow, this sucks.
The Flash may have been blessed with super-speed, but he's still got... (muttering) one, two, three... (normally) at least six major weaknesses: the sleepies (montage of Barry acting tired), the slippies (montage of the Flash getting caught in traps that make him trip and fall), the munchies (montage of Barry eating large quantities of food), bad gas (montage of Barry getting caught in gas attacks), forgetting to clean up (montage of Barry using his speed to tidy up his apartment and get dressed), and even by hero standards, he's terrible at keeping his secret identity.
Dr. Powell: (as the Flash starts to unmask) No... I don't need to know.
Julio: (as Barry speeds away) Yeah, we gotta tell the chief...
Barry: Thai food, coming up.
Iris: Barry, how did you get back here so fast? You were only gone a couple seconds.
Julio: --400 block of Ramoca and Burrough.
Lt. Garfield: (as Barry speeds away to the crime scene) Let's go!
Julio: (after Barry saves him from getting shot) What happened?
Barry: I did.
Iris: Barry, your shoes are on fire!
Barry: Oh! Uh... Yeah, well... I dropped a match on the rug.
Barry: (to a child) But I'll be there in a flash.
Barry: (after momentarily leaving Dr. Powell alone to get changed into civilian clothes) Dr. Powell.
Dr. Powell: Allen? What are you doing here?
Barry: Well, I was driving by, and I heard the alarm.
Chesley Keefe: (after seeing Barry use his super-speed to steal a breadstick from a neighboring table) The Flash...
But this Flash's real weakness is where he sticks his lightning rod.
Iris: I can't believe it was over so quickly.
Megan: It isn't over yet, is it?
Watch Barry cycle through a bevy of bachelorettes, like... Iris West, who wasn't a redhead like the comics either, but you didn't see anyone freak out about her casting, did you? (shows Paula Marshall's Iris alongside Candice Patton's Iris) Hmm, spot the difference?; Tina, who works for S.T.A.R. Labs by day, and Will-They-Won't-They Industries by night...
Barry: (staring at Tina's dress) Wow...
Tina: If I'm going to be on TV, I might as well look my best.
Barry: You look terrific.
...Megan, the hard-boiled repo girl turned P.I. turned go-go 90's business lady...
Megan: (on the phone) Danny, I told you, quit bugging me! (picks up another call) Hello? Yeah, Paul, I need to speak with you; hold on. (picks up another call) Hello? Don, I'll get back to you.
...Dr. Frost, a f-f-f-f... feminist?!
Dr. Powell: (wolf whistles)
Dr. Frost: (laughs) I'll take that as a compliment, you sexist pig.
Barry: Hohoho!
...and Julio, his partner at work and partner-in-crime.
Sabrina: Take Julio with you, okay? Before his eyes pop out of his head like a couple of golf balls.
Julio: Jinx and I are old news. Jinx?
Jinx: When I walked into that club, she was all over him like a cheap suit.
The show is basically Seinfeld, if Jerry sometimes went for a run. (in a Jerry Seinfeld impression) "I'm gonna break up with her, Julio! She's a slow walker!"
Thrill as the Flash takes on Central City's most notorious villains, and ruins their fiendish plots.
Trickster: (after the Flash rescues a hostage while he's distracted) I hate it when he does that!
Pike is a psycho who demands absolute loyalty from his gang (shows a disobedient goon getting blown up on a rigged motorcycle), but with a lair that cool, sign me up! Best gang hideout since the Foot Clan, easily! The Ghost, a nerd who lives Walt Disney's dream of freezing himself, so he can wake up in a future where he controls the media; the Flash will have to deal with Ghost's ruthless crew of... really old people, plus some teens who are probably wondering why he hasn't tried to molest them yet.
Ghost: I could use a couple of smart kids who know their way around. It's time someone showed you what "total video" really means. (beckons some teenagers to follow him)
Then there's the Trickster, Mark Hamill's beta test for the Joker. (montage of the Trickster laughing maniacally) He'll brainwash the Flash into becoming Ezra Miller (shows the Flash and the Trickster opening fire on some cops), and he would've gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for his sidekick Prank, a girl who's dressed like a clown and obsessed with a villain who treats her like dirt and-- Okay, I think Paul Dini owes someone some money here; this is clearly the inspiration for Harley Quinn!
Megan: I mean, this harlequin bondage stuff does not suit me.
So race back to the year 1990...
Ghost: (looking at a monitor) 1990?
...for a show that's aiming for the Batman '89 cool factor (shows Danny Elfman and Shirley Walker's music credits, followed by the Flash standing on a fog-covered rooftop), but settles for more of a Batman '66 vibe (shows the Trickster laughing as the Flash tries to remove the fuse from a cartoon-style bomb, only for another one to replace it), made by the guys who would go on to make The Rocketeer (Danny Bilson and Paul De Meo)...
Ghost: Where are the rocket packs?
...in this insane hybrid of live-action cartoon, soap opera...
Barry: (to Tina) Whatever happens, it's not going to get in the way of our friendship.
...and hatred for the literal concept of television. (montage of characters blowing up TV monitors) Why do they hate TV?
Tina: Barry, it's only TV. Bad TV.
You said it, show.
Starring: Allen! (John Wesley Shipp as Bartholomew "Barry" Allen/The Flash); Square Biz (Amanda Pays as Dr. Christina "Tina" McGee); Megnum P.I. (Joyce Hyser as Megan Lockhart/Prank I); "This Lab is Dead Anyway, Man." (Alex Désert as Julio Mendez); I'm Gettin' Too Old for This Cape S***... (Jason Bernard as Dr. Desmond Powell/Nightshade); Emphasis on HAMill (Mark Hamill as James Montgomery Jesse/The Trickster); Harley Rough Draft.JPG (Corinne Bohrer as Zoey Clark/Prank II); Does Anyone Care How I Got These Scars? (Michael Nader as Nicholas Pike); Hack to the Future (Anthony Starke as Russell/The Ghost); Law & Order: DCU (Richard Belzer as Joe Kline); Seven-of-Nineties (Jeri Ryan as Felicia Kane); How the West Was Done (Paula Marshall as Iris West); Gum Shoes (shows many pairs of shoes stuck in a gum-like surface); and Barry Sucking at One-Liners.
Flash: I realize how an unhappy childhood probably led you to all this... but that's really no excuse. / Sorry, boys; shooting gallery's closed. / Remember me? / It's over. / We need some air out here. Something stinks. / Then on with the show, Ghost. / The old ways. Works for me! / Don't touch that dial! / Case closed, Nightshade. / It's not guns that kill people! It's these little hard things! (throws bullets at a cop's feet, causing the Trickster to break out in laughter)
The Quick and the Red
The honest title for The Flash (90's) was ‘The Quick and the Red’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Say what you will about this show, but they sure knew how to end a scene with a bang.
Julio: You know, I hate to kick a man when he's doing a good job of it himself, but although this is your day off, there's a stack of test results. They need... your signature.
Barry: <sigh> Swell!
(shows the camera hanging on the two for three seconds before switching to another scene)
Viewer's Comments[]
Please say "gotta go fast!" - Drake Froomer
Plz Say "No Ai Can Do This Voice! They Are Not Cool Enough" - danielkjm
I prefer "epic", actually.
Please say: "SUPER POWER NINJA TURBO NEO ULTRA MEGA EXTRA UBER PREFIX... COMBO!!!!!!! - Joe4
Please say any line from Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse! - Benjamin Abramowitz
You do realize that if they pick your comment, he'll literally say "Any line from Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse," yes? - Twincast
Trivia[]
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Manager: Emin Bassavand
Content Manager: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Post-Production Specialist: Rebecca Castaneda
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne