The Crow is the 557th episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 1994 gothic superhero film The Crow. It was published on August 20, 2024, to coincide with the release of the reboot. It is 8 minutes and 48 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script[]
Based on a comic inspired by the death of the artist's fiancée (The Crow by James O'Barr), with a star who died in an on-set accident (Brandon Lee), whose father died during his own film's production (Bruce Lee), comes the movie that speaks to every goth, even if their personal greatest tragedy is getting tan lines from their fishnets. (in a stereotypical "goth" voice) "I asked for a sheer bell sleeve top, not a sleeveless lace turtleneck! To the graveyard, Mother; I must ponder my woes."
The Crow
Journey to Detroit, a regular city in our reality, but in movies, it's the tenth circle of Hell. Cinema's favorite urban cesspool is once again aflame...
Detective Torres: What's the count so far?
Sgt. Albrecht: 143 fires.
...chock-full of crime...
Driver: (after running over a homeless man) Stupid ass hair! You hit my car! (gets punched by the homeless man)
...incredibly wet (montage of torrential downpours), and depressed...
Hot Dog Vendor: You know, what this place needs is a good, natural catastrophe.
Officer: I hate this. You can't even call it "cream" legally.
Eric: This your wife?
Sgt. Albrecht: Not anymore. We're getting a divorce.
Sarah: I get so lonely all by myself.
...as the citizens call out for a savior to come clean up the streets.
RoboCop: Drop it!
No, the leathery one.
Walt Kowalski (Gran Torino): Shut your f*cking face.
No, the musician.
James "Jimmy" Smith Jr. (8 Mile): (rapping) He's paranoid! Quick, someone get his ass another steroid!
The other Detroit musician? With the black-and-white face paint?
Insane Clown Posse ("Miracles"): (rapping) Crows, ghosts, the midnight coast...
Urgh!
Meet Eric Draven, a promising 90's butt rocker; he and his fiancée were killed by the Four Horsemen of the Bro-pocalypse before his fire hazard of an apartment could do the job for them. Now, he's been reborn as The Crow, a superhero with three things on his mind: revenge (shows Eric blowing up Gideon's pawn shop), establishing his personal brand...
Eric: "--I heard a tapping, as if someone gently rapping-- rapping at my chamber door."
Gideon: He had a bird with him. Nearly pecked my face off.
...and loud rooftop guitar practice. (montage of Eric playing guitar on the rooftops) "Hey, people are trying to sleep here, assh*le! No existential angst before 9!" (shows Eric slamming his guitar on his amp)
He's on a deadly mission, to investigate a crime that he personally witnessed up close...
Eric: I want you to tell me a story. A man and a woman in a loft a year ago.
...armed only with superpowers (shows Eric using his agility against Gideon), and a truly confounding sense of humor that's only ever funny to him. (montage of Eric laughing) Ha...? But who am I to judge? Laughing at violence in clown makeup wins you an Oscar today. (shows Heath Ledger's Joker)
Watch Eric take down his killers Bran Stark-style, with an assist from a magic seeing-eye bird, as we follow four bozos who are total scum, but also seem like a fun hang?
Tin Tin, Funboy, T-Bird, and Skank: (chanting) Fire it up! Fire it up! Fire it up!
They'll get picked off one by one, in what are supposed to be tense scenes of crow-and-mouse...
T-Bird: One of my crew got himself perished.
...but since you know right away the hero is immortal, and the villains are middle-aged guys with drinking problems, you're just waiting for the invincible karate demon to think of a fitting death for each one. (shows T-Bird in an exploding car as it drives off a pier)
Tin Tin: Let me tell you about murder. It's fun. It's easy. (shows Tin Tin's corpse with knives driven through it)
Honestly, he could've just stayed on the roof; let liver damage take its course.
Skank: Oh, T-Bird! Here's to you, buddy. (takes a swig of alcohol) / Fire it up! Fire it up!
Pulling the strings on these meat puppets is Top Dollar, a crime lord with a voice that sounds like crushing Grape-Nuts with a velvet steamroller...
Top Dollar: It seems our friend T-Bird won't be joining us this evening... on account of a slight case of death.
...and hair straight out of a Pantene Pro-V commercial. Such shine; such volume. He's a psychopathic freak, hunting for the ultimate thrill: anarchy (shows Top Dollar stabbing Gideon with a sword), and smoking the eyeballs of the dead girl you banged with your sister just doesn't cut it anymore. ...Have you tried Wii Sports? He'll provide contrast with the good citizens of the Big D, like Ernie Hudson, as the lovable Ernie Hudson, but in a cop hat; Sarah, a young glizzy appreciator...
Sarah: No onions, though, okay? / They make you fart big-time.
...who can ollie in Doc Martens (shows Sarah performing an ollie); and Sarah's mom Darla, a drug-addicted sex worker...
Bartender: Your mom, technically... she's off right now.
Sarah: Yeah, way off.
...who gets scared straight after one encounter with Ghostface.
Eric: Your daughter is out there on the streets waiting for you.
She might need a few more sessions before it sticks, though.
Darla: Oh, forget it. I never was too good at this mommy sh*t.
Enjoy a film that proves when you don't have a big budget, you gotta have vibes, featuring The Best Soundtrack of the 90's: Non-Hip Hop Division...
Medicine ("Time Baby III"): (singing) Sometimes it rains inside my head...
...costumes beloved by every kid with a note excusing them from P.E., and a bleak tone that would influence every superhero movie, from Batman...
T-Bird: Here's to Devil's Night, my new favorite holiday.
Commissioner Pete Savage (The Batman): This must be your favorite night of the year, huh, pal? Happy f*ckin' Halloween.
...to Batman (shows Eric lighting a gasoline crow symbol on fire)...
Bane (The Dark Knight Rises): (seeing a fiery Bat-Symbol in the distance) Impossible...
...to Batman.
Sarah: (sees Eric has vanished) Eric?
Sgt. Albrecht: (chuckles) He does that a lot.
Harvey Dent (The Dark Knight): How will you get him back, any...? (sees Batman has vanished)
James Gordon: He does that.
But its biggest legacy is a goth cultural touchstone, and man, does it deliver the sads...
Sarah: What are you supposed to be, a clown or something?
Eric: Sometimes.
Top Dollar: Fifth birthday. He said, "Childhood's over the moment you know you're gonna die."
Sarah: You're gonna say I shouldn't be in the cemetery in the middle of the night, right?
Eric: Safest place in the world to be.
Sarah: It's 'cause everybody's dead.
...even though the subculture it's most aligned with is straight edge?
Eric: Morphine is bad for you. / You shouldn't smoke these. They'll kill you.
Sgt. Albrecht: (spits out a cigarette) I'm quitting as of now.
Darla: Oh, it wasn't drugs. Someone kind of... woke me up.
Have you heard the good news? Eric Draven died for our sins!
Eric: Stop me if you heard this one. Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. (gets shot by Funboy)
So before you don't see the reboot starring Bill Skarsgård as Jared Leto, and skip the sequel (The Crow: City of Angels) from the writer of Batman v Superman (David S. Goyer), stick with the timeless original, set in the spoooookiest model town outside of Beetlejuice's attic, that's rightfully overshadowed by Brandon Lee's tragic death, but is still a kickass movie for the depressed 14-year-old inside us all. In fact, 14 is the best time to see The Crow; after that, the editing gives you a headache. (montage of over-the-top edits in the film) Ow! Stop! I'm old!
Starring: Dark Brandon (Brandon Lee as Eric Draven/The Crow); Shampoo Is Better. I Go On First and Clean the Hair. Conditioner Is Better. I Leave the Hair Silky and Smooth. Oh, Really, Fool? Really. Stop Looking at Me Crow. (Michael Wincott as Top Dollar); Fails from the Hood (Michael Massee as Funboy); Dirtbags, Come Out to Play (David Patrick Kelly as T-Bird); Skate... or... Cry (Rochelle Davis as Sarah Mohr); A Literal Ghostbuster (Ernie Hudson as Sgt. Daryl Albrecht); When You Order Blade on Temu (Laurence Mason as Tin Tin); You Kiss Your Brother with That Mouth? (Bai Ling as Myca); Stringer Hell (Tony Todd as Grange); and The Director of John Wick. (Chad Stahelski) No, really; he took over for a few scenes after Brandon died.
Caw Patrol
The honest title for The Crow was ‘Caw Patrol’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Top Dollar: Well, you're him, huh? The avenger.
(in a Samuel L. Jackson impression) "There was an idea, to bring together a group of undead grunge rockers, to see if they could become... something more." (shows Brandon Lee's Eric Draven in this film, Brendan Fraser's Chester "Chazz Darby" Ogilvie in Airheads, Breckin Meyer's Travis Birkenstock in Clueless, Johnny Whitworth's A.J. in Empire Records, and Lori Petty's Tank Girl in Tank Girl)
Viewer's Comments[]
Please say, "Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children" :) - munstrumridcully
In memory of Rachael Lillis (RIP) can you please say in your epic voice "Prepare for trouble, and make it double!" - OctacleEdits
Say 'I'm from Australia and I know how to breakdance' - nizaamcariem
Please say in your epic voice: "What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man!" - vicjoseromero
Trivia[]
- The second comment in the viewer's comments pays tribute to Rachael Lillis, a voice actress best known for her roles as Misty and Jessie on the first eight seasons of the English dub of the Pokémon anime, who passed away on August 10, 2024, at the age of 55 due to complications from cancer.
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Manager: Emin Bassavand
Content Manager: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Post-Production Specialist: Rebecca Castaneda
VP Content: Max Dionne