Street Fighter is the 382nd episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Danielle Radford, and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 1994 action film Street Fighter. It was published on January 26, 2021. It is 5 minutes and 42 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script[]
From the guy (Steven E. de Souza) who wrote some of your favorite action movies (Die Hard, Commando, 48 Hrs.), and the company (Capcom) who made some of your favorite video games (Mega Man 7, Ghosts 'n Goblins, Resident Evil), comes what Hollywood execs call "synergy", audiences call "garbage", and true cinephiles call "an unintentional comedy masterpiece".
Col. Guile: I'm gonna get on my boat, and I'm going upriver. And I'm going to kick that son of a b*tch Bison's ass so hard... (cheers and applause from his fellow soldiers)
(while chuckling) Street Fighter: The Movie
One year after the Super Mario Bros. spaghetti-faced their way into theaters (Mario and Luigi perform their special handshake), comes another big whiff at a game adaptation, as the franchise about one-on-one fights gets turned into a sprawling war epic, but most of the budget went to getting Jean-Claude Van Damme, and most of his budget went to getting cocaine (an article from The Guardian pops up detailing how Van Damme snorted 10 grams of cocaine every day during the 1990s), leaving nothing left for competent martial artists or cool special effects (Bison zaps Guile with poorly-rendered lightning), forcing Raul Julia to turn in the best final performance in the least deserving movie since Orson Welles played Unicron.
Unicron: You cannot... destroy... my... DESTINY!! (explodes)
Meet Colonel Guile, an American hit in the head so many times, he went full Belgian.
Col. Guile: (in an obvious Belgian accent) This is the collection agency, Bison. Your ass is six months overdue... and it's mine.
He may be missing his character's trademark flattop and--
16-Bit Guile: SONIC BOOM!
--powers, but at least they managed to include Guile's famous invisible rocket boat. Wait, what was that? Oh, I'm sorry; he didn't have an invisible rocket boat in the game? That was just something he thought up on cocaine? That makes sense. He'll lead a fantasy version of the U.N. that can do more than write strongly-worded memos, but when those peace-loving bureaucrats get in the way of a good fight, he'll heroically... stage a military coup of a sovereign nation?
A.N. Official: Colonel Guile! Stop them, please!
Col. Guile: I would love to, but some moron just canned me. Hehe...
Huh. I guess he really is American.
Col. Guile: (to Bison) Are you man enough to fight with me?
Watch as Raul Julia battles cancer and a terrible script to deliver an all-time great villain performance...
M. Bison: (to Chun-Li) For you... the day Bison graced your village... was the most important day of your life. But for me... it was Tuesday.
...with more charisma in his cape than the rest of the cast. (montage of Bison flicking back his cape) And the good stuff ends there, as the movie goes out of its way to focus on the Street Fighters'... day jobs --
Zangief: You got... paid?
Like... Chun-Li, reporter; Dhalsim, lab worker; E. Honda, van driver; Balrog, cameraman; Dee Jay, I.T. guy; Cammy, Kylie Minogue; and Ken and Ryu, schmucks.
Ken: Maybe a couple of hustlers can help.
Col. Guile: Ever think of, uh, enlisting?
Ryu/Ken: Oh, no, no, no...
-- then interrupts or cuts away from nearly every single fight before it really gets going. (the match between Ryu and Vega is interrupted by Guile driving a truck through the wall)
Col. Guile: You're all under arrest.
Look, no one's expecting you to do the bonus stage where you fight a car or whatever, but could you maybe put some street fights in your Street Fighter movie?! You had one job!
So strap in for a film that, by any other name, could have been a cult 90's comedy (Ryu and Ken are pelted with tennis balls), but instead turned a beloved game into a terrible movie that somehow got turned into a terrible game. (shows footage of the Street Fighter: The Movie arcade game) But someday, some filmmaker will finally get the Street Fighter experience right: two Ryus shooting Hadoukens at each other until one runs out of quarters and gets a nosebleed.
M. Bison: GAME... OVER!!
Starring: Atomic Blonde (Jean-Claude Van Damme as Colonel Guile); Are We the Baddies? (Raul Julia as M. Bison); The Guy Capcom Picked to Play Ryu But His English Was So Bad They Recast Him as a Random Soldier They Kept Cutting to For No Reason (Kenya Sawada as Captain Sawada)...
Capt. Sawada: (in a heavy Japanese accent) A single boat against everything he's got? The pilot would have to be out of his mind.
...If It Bleeds, It Chun Li-des (Ming-Na Wen as Chun-Li); Hadookie! (Byron Mann as Ryu); Dave Coulier? (Damian Chapa as Ken); I Can't Get You Out of My Headcanon (Kylie Minogue as Cammy); Look, He's Indian, Close Enough. (Roshan Seth as Dhalsim); References to Better Movies...
(E. Honda and Zangief wrestling near a model city like Godzilla; Balrog winding a punch with a Taz-style sound effect)
Col. Guile: (to Bison) Come out from behind the curtain, wizard!
Dee Jay: (over a loudspeaker) Gooooooood morning, Shadaloo!
...Tender Greens (Robert Mammone as Carlos "Charlie" Blanka); The Braid: Redemption (Miguel A. Núñez Jr. as Dee Jay); Vega Genesis (Jay Tavare as Vega); Senior Uppercut! (Wes Studi as Sagat); Colossus (Andrew Bryniarski as Zangief); and Jean Claude Van Damme's Famous Splits. (Footage Not Found) Seriously? What a ripoff! If I go see a JCVD flick, I wanna see some splits! Just give me the splits from Timecop, then!
Assassin: Have a nice day. (the assassin fires a taser at Max Walker, but he dodges it by leaping up onto his stovetop; the water on the floor reaches the assassin, electrocuting him)
That'll do.
The honest title for Street Fighter was ‘Chortle Kombat’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
One good thing about this movie? It paved the way for Chris Klein in Legend of Chun-Li.
Agent Charlie Nash: You don't want a ticket to this dance, Detective. / You just inherited a big problem. / And I've tracked him through eleven major cities on four continents and never come close, not once. This guy walks through the raindrops...
Every line, a poem.
Agent Nash: (on a walkie-talkie) Nash, out.
Viewer's Comments[]
Say: Hadouken, hodouken to your face. - Jyn Xui
Say: The thing about street fights, ...the street always wins! - Andrew Haase
Please say "I will eat your jelly beans" - Prathamsingh Rawat
Please say: 'I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you' from Firefly!! - Melissa Mather
say Dunder Mifflin this is Pam - Reza Poursafari
Say, " Pizza Time " - Leo Betts
Trivia[]
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Danielle Radford, & Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert & Joe Starr
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne
Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole
Executive Producer Roth Cornet