Star Wars Spinoffs is the 246th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr and Dan Murrell. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the Star Wars spin-off television specials which includes the 1978's The Star Wars Holiday Special, the 1984's Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure and the 1985's Ewoks: The Battle for Endor. It was published on May 22, 2018 to coincide with the theatrical release of Solo: A Star Wars Story. It is 5 minutes 18 seconds long. It has been viewed over 1 million times.
Watch Honest Trailers - Star Wars Spinoffs on YouTube
"Melt your brain with three Star Wars films so awful, you'll never complain about the prequels, The Last Jedi, or Solo again." ~ Honest Trailers - Star Wars Spinoffs
Script[]
Before Solo milks your nostalgia for the Original Trilogy dry, discover 3 spin-offs that took everything you loved about the old Star Wars movies...
Han Solo: YAHOO!
Princess Leia: I love you.
Han Solo: I know.
...and gave you something... uh... let's just say different.
Gormaanda: Stir, whip, stir, whip, beat, beat, stir. That's not right. I'm sorry.
*Wookie grunt noises*
The Original Star Wars Spin-offs
Kick off an evening of crap with Caravan of Courage, the Ewok movie set before the other Ewok movie but after the movie that was 30% Ewok. Embark on an adventure with no one's favorite unblinking murder bears as they team up with another creature that's better in small doses: a kid.
Cindel Towani: I think they wanna be our friends.
Together, they'll search for her missing parents with her brother Mace, a Skywalker knockoff with the hair of Luke and the acting of Anakin...
Mace Towani: It looks like the monster is something real big! Where is it?
...and of course, Tinker Bell?
Mace Towani: I think she eats giggles.
Wow, they were planting the seeds of that Disney buyout really early, huh?
If Caravan of Courage is The Hobbit, then get ready 'cause Battle of Endor is Game of Thrones; without question, the darkest Star Wars movie ever made, where most of the Ewoks are slaughtered in the opening scene, the 4-year-old's whole family is massacred.
Cindel Towani: My family are all dead. I'm all alone.
She's kidnapped by a dragon, and has to spend the rest of her life getting yelled at by Wilford Brimley.
Noa Briqualon: I don't want you here! Get out! GO ON! GET OUT!
That'll screw up someone for life. Holy crap, this is a Captain Phasma prequel, isn't it?!
Cindel Towani: I'll have to learn grownup things.
Captain Phasma: Execute.
But those are just warm-ups for the main event; watch the original Star Wars trilogy lose its final shred of dignity in The Star Wars Holiday Special, a project so bad, George Lucas wanted it destroyed forever. And that guy made Attack of the Clones!
Dexter Jettster: Wow! Whaddaya know?
Sit through this vaguely Star Wars themed variety show, where the only variety is the level of drugs they were on when they wrote it; whether it's a song from Mos Eisley Cantina owner Bea Arthur (???)...
Bea Arthur as Ackmena: ♫ Just one more round, friend, then homeward bound, friend! ♫
...a song from 70's soft rock titans Jefferson Starship...
Jefferson Starship: ♫ Will you light the sky on fire? ♫
...or a song from Princess Leia while Harrison Ford regrets all of his life choices.
Princess Leia: ♫ A day of joy we all can share ♫
Now that's the face of a man who has a really bad feeling about this.
In between the *clears throat* talent sections, enjoy a tiny scrap of story tying it all together; where Chewie has to get home to his Itchy, Mala, and Lumpy for Life Day, which is like Christmas, but hairy and vaguely Wiccan. [Montage of Wookiees walks through the Tree of Life and singing hymn in form of Christmas choir] The Empire is on high alert thanks to an overdubbed scene from A New Hope...
Darth Vader: I want the Rebels located and identified.
...but with no help from Luke...
Luke Skywalker: Where's Chewbacca?
...no help from Leia...
Princess Leia: Send either Chewbacca or Han Solo to the screen, please.
...and actual help from one half of The Honeymooners' Art Carney.
Saun Dann: I brought you that proton pack. You know, for the whatsit... the whatchamacallit, the thingamabob.
Chewie's family will spend over an hour horrifically groaning at each other while you try to maintain your last shred of sanity. [Montage of Wookiees roaring and talking each other, followed by 20 minutes later text appears in between].
Kill me!!!
So melt your brain with 3 Star Wars films so awful, you'll never complain about the prequels, The Last Jedi, or Solo again; because no matter what Disney decides to throw at us next, there's no way it will be as bad as Chewie's dad watching VR porn in the middle of the living room. Did I...Did I just dream that? Oh, nope, nope, there it is. That was real.
Mermeia the holographic fantasy woman: Oh, we are excited, aren't we?
Aw, geez, turn it off, turn it off!
Starring: Moppet Baby [Aubrey Miller as Cindel Towani]; At Least Warwick Davis Got Paid [Warwick Davis as Wicket]; Yer a Hairy, Wizard [Tony Cox as Widdle]; Diabetus: Origins [Wilford Brimley as Noa Briqualon]...
Wilford Brimley: Those were awful good pies. Best I ever had.
...Meh-leficent [Sian Phillips as Charal]; Wilford Brimley Dropping the F-Bomb in a TV Movie For Children?
Wilford Brimley: F*ck.
...Jefferson Star Destroyer [Jefferson Starship as Holographic Band Singer]; Malibu Luke [Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker]; Carrie Fisher Giving Zero S**ts [as Princess Leia]; Lumpy Space Prince [Patty Maloney as Lumpy]; and He Did It All For the Wookiee [Peter Mayhew as Chewbacca].
Honest title for Star Wars Spinoffs - Star Wars: The First Sell Outs. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Star Wars: The First Sell Outs
You know the weirdest thing about these movies? It's the first appearance of Boba Fett, and it's awesome!
Boba Fett: I take it you have no love of the Empire.
Luke Skywalker: I don't.
Boba Fett: Follow me, friend. (Animal grunts. Boba Fett strikes it) Settle down! All they do is eat.
Trivia []
Honest Trailers Commentary - Star Wars Spinoffs
- The writing team considering dedicating the entire Honest Trailer to the 1978 Holiday Special because it was so abundant in mockable material. However, they decided they would not devote an entire Honest Trailer to the Ewok movies on their own, so this might be their only chance to mention them. The Honest Trailer features one run about each of the Ewok films before focusing primarily on the 1978 Holiday Special.
- Screen Junkies have also produced Honest Trailers for many other Star Wars movies including A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, The Force Awakens,The Last Jedi, The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith, Rogue One and Solo: A Star Wars Story.
Watch the full commentary on YouTube
Reception[]
Honest Trailers - Star Wars Spinoffs has a 98.2% approval rating from YouTube viewers. Syfy Wire said that in the Honest Trailer, "there are quite a few barbs hurled at all three of these properties, but if you're a Star Wars fan and remember even one of these fondly, it's worth a watch just to recall how bonkers they were." In the same article, Syfy Wire also said they wished each spin-off had been given its own Honest Trailer: "we need more analysis and friendly jokes about each member of the Caravan of Courage, please. Neatorama wrote that Screen Junkies were, as promised, "honest ... about the quality of these spinoffs," and the Honest Trailer would convince anyone who hasn't seen the spin-offs that they're "missing nothing of importance."
Production credits[]
Video thumbnail for Honest Trailers - Star Wars Spinoffs
Voiceover Narration by Jon Bailey
Title design by Robert Holtby
Producers - Dan Murrell, Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr and Max Dionne
Written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr and Dan Murrell
Supervising Producer: Warren Tessler
Production Coordinator: Tina Choi
Edited by Kevin Williamsen and TJ Nordaker
Post-Production Supervisor: Gracie Hartmann
Post-Production Coordinator: Carolyn Croce
Assistant Editor: Emin Bassavand
External links[]
- An Honest Trailer for the Star Wars Spinoffs - Neatorama article
- The Morning Watch: ‘Star Wars’ Spin-Offs Honest Trailer, Inappropriate Movie Musicals & More - Slashfilm article
- RELIVE THE WEIRDNESS OF THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL AND THE EWOK MOVIES WITH THE LATEST HONEST TRAILER - Syfy Wire article