Pocahontas is the 473rd episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, Lon Harris, and Bailey Meyers. Taking the format of a musical episode, it parodies the 1995 animated musical historical drama film Pocahontas. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It was published on November 22, 2022, to coincide with the Thanksgiving holiday. It is 5 minutes and 41 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script[]
From the studio (Walt Disney Pictures) that dominated the early 90's with The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, and Aladdin, comes an absolute stinker that kicked off more than a decade of garbage. (shows the posters for Home on the Range, Tarzan, Meet the Robinsons, Bolt, Brother Bear, and Chicken Little)
Pocahontas
Meet Pocahontas, a product of Disney's "underage thirst trap" era. (shows Pocahontas alongside provocative images of Ariel, Jasmine, and Nala) She's a princess, based on a real 12-year-old sex trafficking victim (shows a woodcut image of the real Pocahontas and the Jamestown settlers), transformed into a dry land version of Ariel...
King Triton: I expect those rules to be obeyed.
Chief Powhatan: You disobeyed me.
Ariel: Daddy, I love him!
Pocahontas: I love him, Father.
...in this all-leg adventure that's just The Little Mermaid without the catchy songs, sense of fun, or knowledge that they're all about to die from war, famine, and disease. (pulls up the Wikipedia page for "Starving Time") But, uh... look, over there! Pretty waterfalls! (montage of waterfalls throughout the film)
When you need an Australian to play an Englishman, who sounds like an American, to patronize an Indian, you call Mel Gibson.
John: We've improved the lives of savages all over the world.
Pocahontas: Savages?
He'll play John Smith, a guy as bland as the name "John Smith" would imply.
John: I'm John Smith.
Watch this explorer discover he has so much in common with Pocahontas -- They're both hot, their eyebrows don't match their hair color... and that's it. -- as these two characters, as thin and two-dimensional as the cels they were painted on, find love during the time of colonization, a big goof-up with plenty of good people on both sides --
John: Once two sides want to fight, nothing can stop them.
In fact, the English would be friendly if it wasn't for one bad apple. -- in this historical epic that teaches us all, the real colonizer was love all along.
Pocahontas: London? Is that your village?
John: Yes. / --buildings as tall as trees.
Pocahontas: I'd like to see those things.
See there? She didn't have to be kidnapped back to London; who said anything about her being kidnapped? (shows a painting of Pocahontas forcibly being taken back to London) If I don't look it up, it's like it never happened!
When you're not stuck wasting time with Poca-John-tas, enjoy your time with equally boring side characters, like... three animal sidekicks more bumbling than Bob Chapek (montage of Meeko, Flit, and Percy getting into slapstick antics), a talking tree that's a little too thorned up for comfort...
Pocahontas: --I want to see him again.
Grandmother Willow: I want to see him again. / And he's handsome, too!
...and a bunch of English explorers who unfortunately weren't lost at sea in the opening scene.
Ratcliffe: --[not] a thousand bloodthirsty savages shall stand in our way.
Thomas: --if any Indian tries to stop me, I'll blast him.
Ben: Savages could be hiding anywhere.
Wiggins: Do you think we'll meet some savages?
Chief Powhatan: These white men are dangerous!
So this Thanksgiving, revisit an animated musical, whose songs range from forgettable ("Mine, Mine, Mine")...
Ratcliffe: (singing) It's mine! Mine, mine for the taking!
...to regrettable ("The Virginia Company")...
Ben and Lon: (singing) --kill ourselves an injun...
John: (singing) Or maybe two or three.
...except for one absolute jam about how indigenous folks are mythical beings with magical powers, instead of actual people who still exist. (to the tune of "Colors of the Wind")
You think my tribe are ordinary people
And claim a land you think you can explain
But we are all imbued with super powers
We know magic, we are druids, I'm a mage
I'm basically an X-Man or Avenger,
The heron and the otter I command
And if you cross me, John, you will discover
I can warg into this bird that's on my hand
And they'll never hear your voice cry
"Will the end come soon?"
When I dish out the payback for your sins
I could blow you from this Lion King-ass mountain
I control the ancient forces of the wind
If you cross me then I will
Grind your bones to dust until
You're just pieces
I can scatter
In the
Wind
Starring: The Maize Runner (Irene Bedard and Judy Kuhn as Pocahontas); Porta John (Mel Gibson as John Smith); 90 Day Financier (David Ogden Stiers as Governor Ratcliffe); Trash Bandicoot (John Kassir as Meeko); Colonial American Psycho (Christian Bale as Thomas); Mr. Smee (David Ogden Stiers as Wiggins); Chief of Staff (Russell Means as Chief Powhatan); It's Giving... Tree (Linda Hunt as Grandmother Willow); Wizards of the Coast (Gordon Tootoosis as Kekata); and Exactly What TLC Warned Us Not to Do (shows Pocahontas and John leaping over a waterfall).
Love at First White
The honest title for Pocahontas was ‘Love at First White’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Thomas: Going back is his only chance. He'll die if he stays here.
So it ends with John heading back to England to treat his gunshot wound, by... boat? Is anyone going to tell him?
Viewer's Comments[]
Please say in honor of Kevin Conroy(RIP), "I am Vengeance, I am the Night, I... Am... BATMAN!!!" - ShyGuyStudios
In honor of Kevin Conroy, say "Thanks for the handkerchief, Arthur." - Neo Duc Two
Please say "I have one power: I never give up" in honor of Kevin Conroy. - MrPjw5
In honor of Kevin Conroy, say "I know I made a promise, but I didn't see this coming. I didn't count on being happy." - Duc Nguyen
Trivia[]
- All of the comments in the viewer's comments pay tribute to Kevin Conroy, an actor best known for his portrayal of Batman throughout various animated series, films, and video games, who passed away on November 11, 2022, at the age of 66 due to complications from cancer.
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Composer and Producer: David B
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, Lon Harris, & Bailey Meyers
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole
Edited by: Randy Whitlock
Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand
Post-Production Coordinator: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Assistant Editor: Rebecca Castaneda
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne