Fifty Shades Freed is the 244th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr and Dan Murrell. It is narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 2018 film adaptation of the erotic romance novel's second sequel Fifty Shades Freed. Like the trailer for the first two Fifty Shades trilogy, it takes the format of a musical episode and features Jessica Jablonski performing a parody of the Beyonce song "Crazy in Love".
It was published on May 8, 2018 to coincide with the film's release on home video and Blu-ray. It is 4 minutes 58 seconds long. It has been viewed over 1.4 million times.
Watch Honest Trailers - Fifty Shades Freed on YouTube.
"The final chapter lands with all the sex appeal of day old lunch meat left out in the rain." ~ Honest Trailers - Fifty Shades Freed
Script[]
It all started with... a bang (Fifty Shades of Grey)? Then in the sequel your Aunt Bev's spank bank started to dry (Fifty Shades Darker), now, the final chapter... final? YEAH!! Now, the final chapter lands with all the sex appeal of day old lunch meat left out in the rain.
Fifty Shades Freed
Meet Mr. and Mrs. Grey (Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele), two people who definitely rushed into marriage.
Anastasia Steele: You own this?/You want to have kids someday, right?/Would you change the name for me?
Ride along with the characters who are clearly the villains of their own movie; as these stuck up billionaires, with a squad of goons, and a secret room full of restraints and torture devices, run a shadowy corporation whose their business were never explained (Grey Enterprises Inc.). Ten bucks says it's a moon laser that runs on blood diamonds (show clips of satellite firing up laser beam in space).
Watch Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson crackle with all intensity of siblings…
Jimmy Kimmel: Is it to the point with you and Dakota Johnson where it's like--
Jamie Dornan: This is going to sound bad but it's almost like as brother-sister.
…as his Christian Grey sizzles like a serial killer on klonopin…
Christian Grey: You know, I had a dream last night that you were dead.
…while her Anastasia Steele grunts and squeaks like a sex doll cursed with life (show clips of Anastasia Steele squeaking, laughing and grunting) and thrill as their dynamic remains exactly the same you remember: guy psychologically batters girl…
Christian Grey: You insist on defying me.
…girl puts up token defiance…
Anastasia Steele: Let me drive it.
Christian Grey: No.
Anastasia Steele: Let me drive.
Christian Grey: No.
…guys plows through it and makes up for abuse with a vehicle ride. You can't just buy your way out of everything, Christian; some things don't have a price, like friendship (show clips of Grey Enterprises Inc.'s co-workers giving a surprise party as Anastasia and Christian boarding inside the private jet). Never mind.
Webster's dictionary defines sexual intercourse as "intercourse involving penetration of the vagina and penis", and by that definition, this is a very sexy movie; yawn as the bondage elements stay as tame as ever while they up the ante by having regular sex where you'd never like to, like during a haircut, on the parking brake, on dairy products, and where everyone else eats breakfast. Ughh! I hope your friends like their Cheerios with a light mist of jizz and ass wet, dude.
Anastasia Steele: I don't really care about the whole house.
Clearly.
So close the book on the trilogy designed to separate your 7th grade geometry teacher from her paycheck that masqueraded as a story about empowering women and sexual freedom, even though the heroine marries the first guy she has sex with; gets her dream job because he bought a company; spends most of her free time hog tied; and after spending a movie fighting against being barefoot and pregnant…
Anastasia Steele: You mean barefoot and pregnant?
…ends the trilogy literally barefoot and pregnant. Man, it's gonna be awkward when those kids stumble into mom's and dad's kink dungeon, I know it was for me.
Starring The Flashback of the Dumbest Moments in the Franchise. Later babies, can't wait to never see you again.
E.L. James: I used to write a lot of it on my Blackberry.
Elizabeth Vargas: You write it on the Blackberry?
E.L. James: Yeah.
Christian Grey: Hyde's out, he's been fired.
Anastasia Steele: Whoa.
Helicopter Pilot: Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
Jessica Jablonski (sung to the tune of "Crazy in Love"): This movie's written so lazy right now;/The book that it was based on's so lazy right now.
Anastasia Steele: Turn to page five, Appendix 3: Soft Limits. Find anal fisting. Strike it out.
Christian Grey: If you wear this...
Anastasia Steele: No, you're not putting those in my butt.
Christian Grey: (chuckles) They don't go in your butt.
Anastasia Steele: What are butt plugs?
Jessica Jablonski (sung to the tune of "Crazy in Love"): I wish somebody would tase me right now;/This story's 'bout as sexy as rabies right now.
Christian Grey: I don't make love, I f*ck... hard.
Anastasia Steele: I was being romantic, and then you just go and distract me with your kinky f*ckery.
Christian Grey: 'Cause I'm fifty shades of f*cked up.
Jessica Jablonski (sung to the tune of "Crazy in Love"): Oh, I'll just go and watch a porno.
Honest title for Fifty Shades Freed - Fifty Shades of Free-king Put Me Out Of My Misery Already. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Fifty Shades Free-king Put Me Out of My Misery Already
Mr. Grey: More background on Hyde, went to Princeton on scholarship, graduated summa cum laude. Worked for publishers in New York and Chicago before SIP.
Bang up job, team; you're just found him LinkedIn!
Trivia[]
Honest Trailers Commentary - Fifty Shades Freed
- In the Honest Trailers Commentaries for this video, the writers speculated that Dakota Johnson squeaked so much during her performance because she couldn't keep a straight face.
- The original script for this Honest Trailer included a poke at villain Jack Hyde's foolishly elaborate plan. However, the writers chose to cut the joke because you needed to have seen the movie to understand it and they assumed most viewers hadn't.
- This Honest Trailer reveals another piece of the puzzle that is Epic Voice Guy's life - he stumbled onto his Mom and Dad's kink dungeon as a child and found the experience "weird."
- The viewer's comments at the end of Honest Trailer heavily reference quoted lines from Avengers: Infinity War.
- Screen Junkies have also created Honest Trailers for the other films in the Fifty Shades series: Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker. They have also produced Honest Trailers for several other romance films including the Twilight series, The Notebook, The Fault in Our Stars and Love Actually. See list of Honest Trailers for more.
Watch the full commentary on YouTube
Reception[]
Honest Trailers - Fifty Shades Freed has a 98.1% approval rating from YouTube viewers. Geek Tyrant opined that the Honest Trailer was better than the film itself. Cinemablend praised the Honest Trailer for continuing to highlight the problems with Christian and Anastasia's relationship. Slate was less positive about the Honest Trailer, noting that it "takes a few cheap shots at the subject matter and covers some well-worn criticisms about the actors’ lack of chemistry, even going so far as to look up “sexual intercourse” in Merriam-Webster." However, Slate also appreciated the Honest Trailer making "the very valid point that Christian and Ana are actually the villains of the Fifty Shades franchise."
The Mary Sue commended Screen Junkies for simply allowing the many absurd moments from the series to stand on their own:
"As far as the honest trailer goes, it’s almost become too easy to roast these movies by now, especially since they’ve all been basically the exact same flavor of bad, with none of the criticism of earlier entries ever being used to improve the ones that followed. But really, there’s nothing an honest trailer can do to this franchise that it hasn’t done worse to itself, and that’s the most rewarding part of this final takedown. The jokes are solid, but the parts that really shine are just straightforward moments from the movies—or its promotion—themselves, presented largely, or even entirely, without comment, culminating in possibly the least sizzling sizzle reel in the history of cinema." (Dan Van Winkle, The Mary Sue, May 9th, 2018)
Production Credits[]
Video thumbnail for Honest Trailers - Fifty Shades Freed
Original music by Sean Motley
Vocals by Jessica Jablonski
Voiceover Narration by Jon Bailey
Title design by Robert Holtby
Producers - Dan Murrell, Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, and Max Dionne
Written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell
Edited by Kevin Williamsen and TJ Nordaker
Supervising Producer: Warren Tessler
Production Coordinator: Tina Choi
Edited by Kevin Williamsen and TJ Nordaker
Post-Production Supervisor: Gracie Hartmann
Post-Production Coordinator: Carolyn Croce
Assistant Editor: Emin Bassavand
External links[]
- The Honest Trailer For FIFTY SHADES FREED Is Much Better Than The Actual Film - Geek Tyrant article
- The Funniest Parts of the Fifty Shades Freed Honest Trailer Are Just Actual Moments From the Franchise - The Mary Sue article
- Fifty Shades Freed's Honest Trailer Makes Fun Of Anastasia And Christian's Relationship - Cinemablend article
- The Honest Trailer for Fifty Shades Freed Parodies Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love” Remix - Slate article