Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the 519th episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the supernatural drama television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It was published on October 31, 2023, to coincide with Halloween. It is 7 minutes and 1 second long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script[]
Before he assembled the Avengers (shows Bruce Banner awkwardly landing on Natasha Romanoff's chest) and dismantled the Snyderverse (shows the Flash awkwardly laying on Wonder Woman's chest), Joss Whedon changed the face of television, and we're still paying the price for it today.
Buffy: (while Spike assaults her) STOP!!
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Series
Welcome to Sunnydale, a Gilmore Girls setting with a Deadwood body count. (shows a girl opening her locker and screaming as a corpse falls out of it) This California hamlet happens to sit on top of a Hellmouth, but unlike Fresno, this one is either a massive cave that causes a sinkhole (shows a large chunk of Sunnydale falling into the Hellmouth) or is made of vibes (shows Buffy and Giles fighting off giant worm creatures), 'cause Hellmouth isn't just a plot convenience that spits out monsters of the week; it's also... Nnnah, that's it; it's a literal plot hole. (shows the worm creatures again)
Here to defend Murdertown, USA is Buffy Summers, a reluctant child soldier.
Buffy: Dates are things normal girls have.
She's the latest in a long and storied line of sexy Van Helsings, but Buffy -- Yes, "Buffy".
Buffy: It's "Buffy".
Forrest: She's "Buffy".
Girl: What kind of name is "Buffy"?
-- will team up with Giles, this himbo-fied Frasier Crane.
Giles: I've made up my mind.
Buffy: So have I.
Giles: I made up mine first.
Buffy's mentor likes to watch (shows multiple occasions of Giles taking off his glasses), and spends the entirety of the series either giving exposition, or getting head. (montage of Giles receiving serious head injuries)
Cordelia: (slaps an unconscious Giles) Wake up. (slaps Giles again)
Cordelia: How many times have you been knocked out, anyway?
In fairness, it's easier to sound smart when you're a 40-year-old who only hangs out with teenagers.
Giles: Gachnar, of course.
"Yeah, you kids are too young to know about Gachnar; back in the day, he was the sh*t."
Together, they're joined by a veritable UPN's worth of mildly dated teen archetypes. There's Willow, whose friends were somehow surprised when she followed the nerd-to-Wicca-to-lesbian pipeline.
Buffy: She's gay, but--but we don't... gay. Oh, it's magic weed.
Plus, there's Xander, a literal Marty Stu author insert...
Joss Whedon: Xander was obviously, um, based on me, the sort of... guy that all the girls want to be best friends with in high school.
...who gets the best lines and makes out with the hottest girls (montage of Xander making out with women); Spike, the bad boy who became an ally after stalking Buffy, building a robot RealDoll who resembled Buffy, and sexually assaulting Buffy...
Spike: (while assaulting Buffy) You're so lovely...
...and undead dreamboat Angel, the latest guy to use vampirism to get around the "age gap" discourse. I mean, come on; it's kind of obvious what he's up to. The second she graduates, he's out there faster than DiCaprio.
Do you want more of that one Joss Whedon "I'm being mean in a cute way" bit...
Willow: 1-800-I'm dating a skanky ho.
Willow: You're not a third wheel.
Xander: Well, technically speaking, you're a fifth wheel.
Buffy: Let me answer that question with a headbutt.
...or his "describing something messed-up in a cute way" bit?
Xander: A party in my eye socket, and everyone's invited.
Willow: Did you try looking inside the sofa in Hell? / Between me and my evil self, I have double guilt coupons.
Well, prepare to regret your decision in a show that makes you yearn for the subtlety of his uncredited X-Men script.
Storm: Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else.
Look, there's nothing wrong with Joss being a nepo baby (pulls up Tom Whedon's Wikipedia page, highlighting his work on The Golden Girls), or even a nepo grand-baby (pulls up John Whedon's Wikipedia page, highlighting his work on The Donna Reed Show), so long as you come up with a few actual fresh jokes.
Buffy: I don't know... Think of something cool, tell him I said it.
Or hey, stick to what works.
Willow: Ooh, pancakes can go in bellies.
Love the old WB Network? Well, if you did, it wouldn't have become The CW. But Buffy has all the WB stuff you loved, like... early appearances by stars who would later get mega-famous (shows Seth Green as Oz, Felicia Day as Vi, Kal Penn as Hunt, and Nathan Fillion as Caleb); cameos by already-famous people just here for some funsies (shows John Ritter as Ted Buchanan, Ashanti as Lissa, and Mark Metcalf as The Master); random musical acts in the teen club. Aw, hell yeah! Is that Dishwalla?! Wait, no, that was on Charmed. Speaking of, remember when your favorite show suddenly had a musical episode?
John "J.D." Dorian and Christopher Turk (Scrubs): (singing) --guy I love. He's mine, I'm his.
There's a good chance they were inspired by Buffy; sorry. But that's still better than using Buffy to launch your music career like all the other actors did. (shows James Marsters, Adam Busch, and Anthony Stewart Head's music albums)
Anthony Stewart Head: (singing) Behind blue eyes...
And hey, only one of them wrote an ode to the toes of an underage Michelle Trachtenberg.
James Marsters: (singing) Pretty little feet, sparkling everywhere...
Why is it always feet?
So dive back into a charming bit of late-90's arcana...
Girl: James Spader. He needs to call me.
Xander: Stupid video store...
Buffy: If the Apocalypse comes, beep me.
...when all TV and makeup prosthetics just make actors look like Klingons, and kids were so abandoned by their parents, they could literally trigger the Apocalypse unnoticed...
Willow: Mrs. Summers...? Good, she's gone.
...in a landmark series that defined the teen culture of its era, and exclusively its era...
Giles: (wearing a sombrero and poncho) It's a sombrero.
...kickstarting wave after wave of YA series (Charmed, Angel, Supernatural, Dollhouse, The Vampire Diaries) about how growing up is kind of like fighting a mystical war against necromancers.
Oz: (in his werewolf form) You're not gonna change... You're not gonna change... You're not gonna change...
Ohh, 'cause puberty causes changes that makes you feel like a monster! How did I just get this?!
Starring: I Know What You Did Last, Summers (Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers); Help! My Son Is a Nerd (Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris); This One Time, at Wand Camp... (Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg); Professor Doombledore (Anthony Stewart Head as Rupert Giles); Cordelia the Teenage B*tch (Charisma Carpenter as Cordelia Chase); Silly Idol (James Marsters as Spike); Nice Guys Diminish Last (David Boreanaz as Angel); Lycandope (Seth Green as Oz); Joss Whedon's Brawlhouse (Eliza Dushku as Faith Lehane); Demon Player: Kimetsu no Yaiba (Emma Caulfield as Anya Jenkins); From Dusk Till Dawn (Michelle Trachtenberg as Dawn Summers); and Ethan C*nt (Robin Sachs as Ethan Rayne).
Quippy the Vampire Serial
The honest title for Buffy the Vampire Slayer was ‘Quippy the Vampire Serial’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Look, is it a coincidence that the best episode is the one where no one can talk? Let's see Joss quip his way through that. (shows Buffy making a jerking motion with her hand as Xander and Willow stare in confusion, followed by Buffy making stabbing motions with a stake) He did it! The madman actually did it! (shows Anya pulling Xander away for sex as Spike looks on in disgust)
Viewer's Comments[]
Epic Voice Guy, please say: "In every generation, there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer." 🧛🏻 - willowpendragon923
Say: It's Halloween. Everybody's entitled to one good scare. - jay2thaudy
Trivia[]
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Manager: Emin Bassavand
Content Manager: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Post-Production Specialist: Rebecca Castaneda
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne