The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Elephants on Parade

I like to imagine that somewhere deep in the bowels of the Bravo offices, there’s a room that’s hot and dusty. In that room, there’s one of those big lotto drums, and every day, a team of writers and producers descend into the room and fill that big drum with situations where all the Real Housewives can get together. Every day, they have to fill out ten cards each with different kinds of parties and charity gala events. Whenever they need to plan just one more event for an episode of Real Housewives, they pull an event out of that drum.

Because how else do you explain this damn energy reading?

Or maybe they just need to stop letting NeNe plan events.

But it’s not time for the Elephant Energy Reading yet. First up is Porsha pretending to confront a member of her staff about his cheating when really it’s just rehearsal. Porsha is appearing in the stage version of Two Can Play That Game. Guys, have we run out of original ideas for theater? That we’re doing an adaptation of the 2001 Vivica A. Fox romantic comedy Two Can Play That Game? There’s got to be some young, hungry playwright that Porsha can hire to write her a vehicle. I mean, damn, I’d do it. Porsha, I would write you a play to star in and it wouldn’t be a stage adaptation of Two Can Play That Game. Anyway, Porsha is excited because scripted work is her passion and she’s going to get an acting coach. (Because no one wants to film with her and she’s got to fill her days somehow.)

Shereé is going to meet Kim for lunch. Give Kim her peach back in 2018. Give Marlo a peach in 2018. Give Shamea a peach in 2018. Give somebody a peach in 2018. Shereé sits down and squeaks out, “Oh, my back.” Shereé has decided to forgo her trademark tracksuit for this lunch and I feel like squeezing her boobs into that dress can’t be good for her back. Kim arrives and they catch up about the San Francisco trip. They are squeezing all they can out of that trip. When Shereé and Kim bring up Kandi, Kim says that Kandi isn’t all there if she’s letting other women into the bedroom and Kim wouldn’t let Kandi lick her box. I think she tried to hide her mouth with her napkin, but bitch, you got mic’ed up. You know they could hear you. Shereé spills to Kim about her boyfriend and Kim says don’t let anybody deter you, it’s time for you to get some good dick. Get that good dick, Shereé! We’re all cheering for you and your prison boo.

Did everyone else notice Kim had a light-up purse that was cycling through pattern after pattern?

After about two hours and three bottles of wine, NeNe has not arrived. Kim and Shereé call her and NeNe says that she’s not meeting with anyone until they have a big conversation to deal with all the elephants in the room. I’m surprised NeNe didn’t have some big name for the conversation, like “Housewives and Hos Let’s Chat Elephants Never Forget Better Not Pout Black Tie Optional Seafood Soirée.” Shereé is confused and Kim is more concerned with the 24 cockroaches that were running around NeNe’s bathroom in Brielle’s Snapchat. I’m sure all that will be revealed during the Housewives and Hos Let’s Chat Elephants Never Forget Better Not Pout Black Tie Optional Seafood Soirée.

In another charitable but lotto-drum-selected event, Cynthia is holding a school-supply drive at her agency and modeling school. Kenya and Mal arrive and after a quick FaceTime with NeNe, Will shows up with a box of supplies. He’s taking a trip to Brazil and wants to see Cynthia before he left. Kenya’s main concern is that there’s legal prostitution in Brazil and thinks that Cynthia needs to put her foot down. Cynthia decides to listen to Kenya’s relationship advice. Kenya, just let Cynthia make out with this cute guy and leave her alone.

Shereé is back at home with her dog when Kairo comes in with a sack of groceries. While he’s grilling for them, he possibly overhears Shereé on the phone with Tyrone. Tyrone believes that the government did something shady and he’s wrongfully convicted and he’s going to use documents to prove his innocence. Shereé has seen the documents. She’s got all the receipts and not even the government can stop their love.

It’s time for the Housewives and Hos Let’s Chat Elephants Never Forget Better Not Pout Black Tie Optional Seafood Soirée. NeNe has hired an energy reader, Mbele, to sense all the spirits in the room and call everyone’s shit out. Give Mbele a peach in 2018. This woman has a lot going on and I need a closer look at her life. She doesn’t want to know all the details of the drama before the reading so NeNe just tells her, “There’s sisterhood and non-sisterhood.” That’s about as vague as you can get.

When a few of the other ladies arrive, Mbele gives Kandi a hug and says she doesn’t shake hands, but she shook Cynthia and NeNe’s hands. See? I need an investigation into the practices of Mbele. Mbele is taking everyone’s phone and we should be on alert. The other Housewives arrive with Kim and her Dixie cup in tow. Mbele also hugged Kenya, so I can’t see any rhyme or reason for her methods.

NeNe sits them all down and says they’ve come to clear the air and all the lights start flashing. I don’t think that was a Stranger Things moment, but I question just how well this energy cleansing is paying off for Mbele.

Mbele wants to start the event by reading everyone’s spirit. The editing staff goes wild with the sound effects while Mbele wiggles her finger and gets in touch with the spirits. According to Mbele, Shereé needs to stop being indecisive and go after what she wants. Kandi needs to get out of her own head and she sees and hears things other people don’t. Mbele tells NeNe that she’s a sweet little girl deep down and she cares about people. What a nice thing to say to the person that booked the space! She warns Cytnhia that people are trying to give her advice, but she isn’t taking it and needs to protect herself. Then Mbele tells Kenya that she isn’t going to be here for long. That she’s going to a have a different destiny. Maybe Mbele knows that her contract won’t be renewed. Kim, however, is tuned into a higher power and she can tell that Mbele is full of shit. Mbele says they all should switch seats. Kim rejects Mbele’s offer to bathe her with bushes from the outside. Kim refuses and Mbele just walks out, basically saying, “You idiots deal with your mess.”

The Housewives attempt to deal with some of the elephants in the room, but NeNe refuses to budge on any of her positions. I think she got this idea in her head that she won’t deal with anyone unless it can be turned into a dramatic set piece and when Mbele walked off, she got annoyed with the whole thing. So nothing is getting solved today!

Shereé and NeNe go back and forth a few rounds about Shereé’s boyfriend. Kenya and Kim go a few rounds about being generally insufferable, but nothing comes of it. Everyone walks out into the rain with every elephant they came with. When Cynthia tries to butt in between Kenya and Kim, Kim tells Cynthia to just be gorgeous and be quiet. I know that’s a huge insult, but if I were as beautiful as Cynthia, my mouth would always be shut. I’ve only developed any skill I have as a coping mechanism for not being as beautiful as Cynthia.

NeNe and Kim are left and they try to get down to the bottom of their issues. NeNe offers that Kim isn’t as supportive as she could be and Kim offers that NeNe is on drugs. Wow. They are definitely reading every situation completely differently. NeNe says that maybe they were never on the same page and they’re not friends. How are we going to do all this drama with a woman without a peach?!

KIM/PEACH IN 2018!