If It Should Please The Court

The following is a random line of thought, a closing argument of sorts. 

Incidentally, hiring me as your attorney would be a mistake. If I was licensed, that is.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have seen much throughout this trial. There has been a lot of muckraking and abuse of my client's good name. The prosecution has made points about video evidence and fingerprints and eye witnesses and this and that. But the sad fact is that this trial should not have even happened in the first place.

We are not disputing that a crime took place. We are not disputing that at all. We have acknowledged, reluctantly, my client's criminal past. Yes, it is true, he comes from a troubled background. Yes, he has spent the last twenty years in and out of prison on various charges. Everything from armed robbery to forged checks to drug dealing to littering.

We acknowledge all of that. We cannot dispute that these things happened. But one of the fundamental rights of a defendant is the right to defend themselves, is it not? It is, right, Your Honor? Forget I said that.

The point is that this trial should not have proceeded. It was unjust. A violation of legal principle in every way one can imagine.

Because my client is dead.

Okay, fine, I get it. We live in Alabama, where legislators seem to take a dim view of defendant rights. But surely the right of a defendant to defend themselves is fundamental to a just society. But my client is unable to. Because he's deceased. Assumed room temperature. Gone to the great beyond, depending on what one might have a view of on the afterlife, if any at all. 

The point is, he's dead. He died in a jail cell after getting arrested for stealing a bike, of all things.

And the simple fact is, we don't know what happened. Was it suicide, because he had multiple other charges against him outstanding? Was it a health thing, since he had a twenty five year addiction to recreational drugs? Was it running into the wrong person in jail?

We just don't know. But the point is, my client was not able to participate in preparing for his own trial. Because he was dead. And instead of having the simple decency to just chalk it up to 'defendant deceased, no further case' and release my client's body to his family for burial, the prosecution got a court order to have him embalmed so he could sit through the trial.

I ask, ladies and gentlemen, is this fair? The man is dead. This is demeaning to his family. It is demeaning to the very concept of justice. It is the very essence of wrong.

I have asked myself for months, why? What is his motive? Not my client, I can't ask him that, because he's dead. No, I refer to my colleague in the district attorney's office. I've known Mr. Sedgwick for years, and always thought him to be a reasonable man. Why try to railroad a man who's beyond justice? Why waste the court's time on a farce that will surely be overturned on appeal, because rest assured, I'm taking this all the way to the Supreme Court if I have to. 

Well, I figured it out. I know why he's been so gung-ho about this.

Ladies and gentlemen, this took a lot of digging. You see, my client went to school with Mr. Sedgwick when they were children. Children are children, sometimes they're good, sometimes they behave badly. But you see, one day in grade one, my client tripped Mr. Sedgwick, who fell into a mud puddle, and laughed at him. I only found out about this last night, incidentally. The point is, the prosecution has been holding onto a grudge for decades and is being petulant about something that happened so long ago that he's turned his back on his very duties as a lawyer. Instead, he uses justice to nurse an old grudge.

And I say, it's wrong. Just plain wrong. Now earlier on, I did mention my client's good name. Well, that's embellishing a bit, because he didn't really have a good name. But the point is, you can't pervert justice to settle old scores with someone who's already dead. Does that make sense to you? Because it doesn't to me. 

I expect Mr. Sedgwick was hoping on having my client buried in a penitentiary yard for all time. Note his facial expression, ladies and gentlemen. The flared nostrils and the flustered, irritated expression. He didn't want you knowing about the mud puddle incident.

I'm not asking you to condone my client. He's beyond that anyway. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am asking you to use your common sense. It does not make sense to put a dead body on trial. Especially for something as trivial as the theft of a bike. I urge you to remember that in your deliberations. To bring back a verdict of not guilty, regardless of the weight of the evidence. To be compassionate to the man's family and give them closure and let him have the peace he couldn't find in life.

And to tell the prosecution that he can go jump off a cliff. 

Thank you."

Beware The Ghosts And Goblins

Hallowe'en comes this week. As can be expected, I have a post for the occasion. Enjoy!

Take Me Out To A Bad Ballgame

Baseball looks forward to World Series; one team's fans lament a horrid season

Chicago (AP) This week sees the beginning of professional baseball's fall classic, the World Series. The New York Yankees face off with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Yankees fans are ecstatic about seeing their team in the final round. Fans of most other teams just want to see the Yankees lose. But in the mid-west, fans of one team are still trying to come to grips with what went so horribly wrong for their team over the last season, and what to do next.

That team, of course, is the Chicago White Sox.

In what is now regarded as the worst season in modern day Major League baseball history, they had a 41 wins, 121 losses season of losing streaks, disasters, blunders, and excuses. They were the first team eliminated from playoff contention on August 17th, deep into a season full of heartbreak. The fans started leaving in droves, making White Sox home games a fairly empty affair. The team was so bad that they elevated the rest of their division by the sheer amount of beat-downs the Sox had coming- perhaps all of Major League baseball as a whole.

At this point, with the season dead and finished in Chicago, it's time for soul searching and rebuilding. Local pundits note that it could take years or decades for the White Sox to become a contender. Others note that at least in September, when they had little to play for, they ended the season going five wins to one loss in their last six games.

"This year just hurt," longtime fan Stu McNeil told this reporter. "I mean, what did we do to deserve this? Does God hate us? Is he a Cubs fan? Don't know. All I know, it's painful. It's like my cousin up in Toronto feels like with the Leafs every April. If Jerry ever reads this, sorry about makin' fun of your boys so much."

A reckoning is at hand. Some heads with the team have already rolled. Many of the players are doubtful that any other team will want them in a trade. "Don't use my name, okay?" one of the team players told this reporter. "We had a cruddy season. It happens. It hurts. Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. Some of the guys, well... we've been careful with our money. If this is the end of the line and we have to retire, well... okay, we'll be fine. Some of the boys aren't good with their money, and between you and me.... some of them are screwed big time if they don't get picked up for next season."

Fans are calling for change across the board. The manager was already replaced during the season from hell. Some are demanding the coaching staff all be fired. Others are saying the owner should sell, or be sent adrift in a leaking boat. Some have asked if a season this catastrophic might be enough reason for documentary filmmaker Ken Burns to add another chapter to his Baseball saga. 

This reporter spoke with Burns. The director is no stranger to catastrophes, having had directed films on diverse calamities like the Civil War, World War Two, the Vietnam War, the Dust Bowl, and country music. "Yes, I did do a follow up several years ago on the game, as the main series had been done in the 90s. But I don't think enough time has passed for an additional follow up. Who knows? A few years down the line, and I might be inclined to. Even including such a record breaking- in a bad way- season for the fans of the White Sox. I'm a Red Sox fan, after all, and we're used to heartaches."

There's always next year, they say. But prospects are bleak. Rebuilding will take a long time, and it will have to be across the organization as a whole. How long will fans wait? Time can only tell. But this has clearly been the lowest of seasons. Or has it? Could the 2025 season be even worse? 

"I hope not," longtime fan Joe Carruthers admitted. "I've been a season ticket holder since 1974. Seen a lot of bad years, but this was the worst. I don't know if we can sustain ourselves like this. There were times it got like.... well, I could personally recognize everyone sitting in the stands while our boys were losin'. How do we come back from that?"

"We're going to get everyone good and drunk," White Sox spokesperson Allie MacPherson admitted. "November 5th, the booze is on us. A good boozefest will make the pain go away. We've already set it up with the bars all across town."

This reporter reminded MacPherson that was the same date as the elections. MacPherson was silent for a moment, and then said, "it is?" And then she ran off in a panic.

To borrow a sentimental line from a poem about baseball, there is no joy in Chicago- the mighty White Sox have struck out.

Cataclysms And Shattered Hearts

Narcissistic Director Announces Latest Disaster Movie; Real Reporters Roll Eyes In Dismay

Los Angeles (AP). It is a truth universally acknowledged that a two bit director, in search of an explosion, must be in want of attention. So Jane Austen might put it in this day and age. This past week, at the home of Digital Domain, reporters were gathered for an announcement by a film auteur- in his own mind, that is. Real reporters were outnumbered by entertainment reporters, who are bereft of brains and too given to applaud anything. 

This reporter was among them, primarily as his editor loves sending him to these things for the sarcastic value (editor: the readers love it too). And so it was that this reporter found himself in an auditorium, waiting on the latest announcement from the dreadful director, Michael Bay.

A spokeswoman came out on stage, where a podium had been set up with a full length mirror alongside it. "Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the greatest filmmaker of our generation, Michael Baaaaaaaaayyyyy!" 

The applause was rapturous from the entertainment reporters. Real reporters rolled their eyes, sighed in dismay and shook their heads, wondering when the nonsense would wrap up (editor: and it is nonsense). Bay came out on stage, waving and grinning like the idiot he is, looking as you'd expect- the days of stubble, the dishevelled hair, the casual clothing. He walked up to the podium, winked and smiled at his reflection, and began to speak.

"Hello! It's wonderful to see you. I love all of you, as much as you love me." (editor: he hates himself, huh?) Bay nodded. "You know, I'm a busy man. Always have projects on the go, things that I'm planning on making in my quest to win Oscars. I don't know why I haven't won one yet. But that's not important. What is important is I'm a busy man. You know me. I'm a guy who loves explosions. And Aerosmith songs and hot babes waxing cars. And explosions. So I've been thinking. What kind of movie do I want to make next? And how many explosions can I get away with in it?"

Bay smiled and nodded again. "I've been thinking about disaster movies. Disasters are always in the news. But what's one kind of disaster that I haven't covered in a film? Then it hit me. Like a puck to the head. The Toronto Maple Leafs."

This caused a stir. The Canadian hockey team is well known for choking when it counts and breaking the hearts of their devoted and deranged fan base every year. Yes, that qualifies as a disaster. But what would that have to do with the usual Bay style of explosions in a film (editor: good question).

Bay carried on. "I remembered some years ago some die hard Leafs fans decided to kidnap the Stanley Cup and hold it for ransom, wanting the Leafs to be designated the champions. Or something like that. Anyway, it gave me an idea for a Michael Bay blockbuster spectacular. Take that as a starting point, but instead of it being fans stealing the Cup, make it a mad bomber who's also a Maple Leafs fan threatening to blow up the city if his Leafs don't win the Cup. Is that an idea or is that an idea?"

The entertainment reporters broke out into applause. The real reporters sighed (editor: me too). Bay grinned like the jackass that he is, basking in the applause and oblivious to the contempt from reporters with a working brain. "You've got to be kidding," this reporter stated (editor: I wish).

"Why do people say that to me?" Bay asked with a shrug. "That doesn't matter. What matters is my cast. And they love attention just as much as me. Now I'm going to be enlisting NHL players to essentially be playing themselves in this thing, because it's too hard to get actors to look like professional hockey players. But that's okay, because the players aren't the main characters. And this way, it's as close as the real Maple Leafs are going to get to the Cup anytime soon. But they'll be there, on the ice and in the thick of the action. But the story is about the bomber. And the heroic cop who's coming to save the day. But can he? Ladies and gentlemen, without further do, playing the mad bomber in this film, one of my favourite actors and one of yours.... Mr. Shia LaBeouf!" 

LaBeouf came out on stage, smiling like an idiot as usual, and waved. "Hello there! It is nice to see you! Shia is pleased that you have come to see Shia!" This reporter sighed again (editor: he's still doing the talking in the third person thing?). LaBeouf came over to join Bay.

Bay carried on. "And playing the heroic veteran cop, member of the bomb squad about to retire, my guy, Nicolas Caaaaaagggge!"

At this point Nicolas Cage staggered out, carrying a bottle of half-empty Scotch, looking the worse for wear, which is saying something. He waved to the crowd, smiling and grinning (editor: how drunk was he?). "Hey there!"

Bay grinned. "And lastly, playing an unusual role for her, but one of my favourite actresses around. She's the hostage negotiator working for the police and racing against time. Give it up for Megan Fox!!!!"

Fox came out on stage, bowing and showing off her assets, so to speak. She joined Bay, Cage, and LaBeouf. "Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Sudden Death, a hockey action thriller coming soon to a theatre near you. Thanks for coming out!"

With that, the group left the stage to rapturous applause from the entertainment reporters, ignoring the eye rolls from the real reporters (editor: how dumb are they?). This reporter departed, wondering how long the film would take to make, given Bay's huge backlog of projects, and how many Leafs would be traded away in the duration.

The last word belongs to the beleaguered fans of the team itself. Leafs Nation, as they are sometimes known, continue to be devoted to their guys, no matter how many times their hearts are shattered. "You know what, it's an honour," one fan told reporters in Toronto. "I mean, I'm one of the guys who actually held the Cup for ransom back a few years ago, and ****, yeah, I'm still kind of on probation because of it. But me and Harry and Jack, we did it all for a good cause. And to find out now that they're kind of sort of honouring our plot, well, with some Hollywood extras, because we weren't threatening to bomb anyone.... anyway, it's ****in' great, eh? Anyway, all I want to say is... Go Leafs go!!!" (editor: god help us all) 

Spell Casting Spammers Must Die!

We really do see far too much of their kind in our day to day lives. They are a loathsome pestilence that would have annoyed the Pharaoh in the days of the plagues of Egypt. They can never take a hint and just go away and find something actually worthwhile to do with their day, such as a real job. No, their only purpose in life is to spam our blogs with spam comments, or send us ridiculous emails with an unbelievable scam story. I speak, of course, of that vile trash we call homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus. Otherwise known as the internet scammer and spammer. The following came through as a comment on an old blog about- you guessed it- spell caster spam. Which means this post will attract more of the same.

IF ANYONE THAT WANTS TO MANIFEST WHATEVER HE OR HER WANT TO MANIFEST SHOULD CONTACT DR OMAN.
     My husband left me for another woman 3 months ago and ever since then my life has been filled with pain, sorrow and heart break because he was my first love whom I have spent my entire life with. My lovely sister told me she saw some testimonies of a love spell caster online that she believes can help me restore my relationship back, I laughed it out and said I am not interested but because of the love my sister had for me, she consulted the great love spell caster on my behalf, when she tell me i was not happy because i was not interested. To my greatest surprise, after 2 days my husband called me for the very first time after three months that he is missing me and that he is so sorry for everything he made me go through. He came back to me and now we are happy together. I still can’t believe it, because it is highly unbelievable. Thank you Dr. Oman for restoring my relationship and also to my lovely sister who interceded on my behalf, for anyone who might need the help should keep in touch with Dr Oman through his Email address:

Me again. The standard nonsense that we see in these stories. A sob story about a spouse leaving the writer for another love and how awful it is, and how lost they are, and then out of nowhere hearing about a spell caster who can cast spells to get things right again. Which is complete nonsense. Because first, it's all a lie. Spell casting is a fiction, meant for gullible people who believe this crap to feed money to someone at the far end of a daisy chain of emails.

Besides, another point about these emails- what kind of person is just going to forgive that kind of betrayal and act as if everything is fine when their unfaithful spouse comes back because of some kind of miracle? First- there is no miracle, there is no spouse, there is no cheating sob story, because all of this is fake, fake, triple fake. 

And second, no rational person would do that. They'd get a hell of a lawyer, divorce that cheat, and move on with their life. Forgive? Hell no. Never forgive, never forget is my motto. But again, this is a fake story, meant to elicit sympathy from people who might be caught in the real situation.

As said, spell casting is nothing more than a fiction. Don't believe it. The only real thing said in that "testimony" is four words- it is highly unbelievable.

Sigh. I hate people, I really do. 

But I really hate spammers and scammers, who, in my personal opinion, should be catapulted into an erupting volcano. Or if that isn't possible, sent onto a United Airlines flight with this guy, who will no doubt send them to an early exit from the flight.

At cruising altitude without a parachute.