A bit of meta blogging up front (everyone’s favorite!): I’ve called these posts “Roundup” before, whether they were weekly, monthly, or some longer period of time. I think I am fine with the inconsistent timing of them, but I would like to use some name for them that is consistent so I don’t get bogged down thinking about it. Maybe it could be “A Roundup for [date]” or maybe I should just be more chill about it like Joe: “Misc Notes And Recent Updates.”

Anyway, on with the actual post.

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I was reminded of this Instagram reel that I meant to share months ago. It was about the grief of witnessing all the death and destruction in the world, specifically Gaza. It remains relevant for that, of course, but I think is also applicable for the uncertainty many of us are feeling after the US election. I transcribed it because I wanted the words to be a bit more permanent.

“Something coming up a lot for folks is they are stuck in their overwhelm and grief and I wanted to offer some indigenous solutions to colonial problems. Mine come from the Moana Lasi from Tuvalu and from many lands and healers and knowledge-keepers around the world.

One of the things I’m doing to support myself and other people is that when I’m watching images of unimaginable loss and pain, I’m taking a moment to thank my exquisite sensitivities for reminding me of my humanity. I would much rather feel this much pain than be numb to this kind of suffering and that makes me feel really grateful.

The second thing I want to offer is that my understanding of grief is that it is love with nowhere to go. And when I’m looking at these images that are making me feel so angry and underneath that anger is grief and underneath that grief is love. And so when I trace my grief to the love underneath, I can give that somewhere to go. I can go out into my community. I can care for people. If you live in a settler colony, there is no shortage of suffering around you and we can go and spend that love somewhere.

Settler colonialism thrives on fear and separation. And so every time we have faith and every time we lean in for connection, we are resisting this system. So I wanted to remind us this because when we do our resistance in this way, in this generative way, it keeps our bodies safer, our community stronger, and it means we can keep it up for a lifetime.”

— Leah Manaema, Instagram Reel

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I also enjoyed this recent post on The Marginalian, “Oliver Sacks on Despair and the Meaning of Life” and this quote from a letter he wrote:

When moods of defeat, despair, accidie and “So-what-ness” visit me (they are not infrequent!), I find a sense of hope and meaning in my patients, who do not give up despite devastating disease. If they who are so ill, so without the usual strengths and supports and hopes, if they can be affirmative — there must be something to affirm, and an inextinguishable power of affirmation within us.

I think “the meaning of life” is something we have to formulate for ourselves, we have to determine what has meaning for us… It clearly has to do with love — what and whom and how one can love.

— Oliver Sacks

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Last Friday I went to an event at Burn All Books to hold space together post-election, create art, share feelings, share resources, etc. I loved the idea and that they required masking. They had a bunch of art supplies, paper, and magazines for people to craft into zines, collages, or whatever struck your fancy. There were a lot more people than I expected, about 20 of us. I only talked to a couple people, but it felt so warm to be around people and everyone being masked reminded me we have community that cares. I drew this quote from Mariame Kaba that is also the title of one of her books. It’s been on my to-read list for a while and I’ll definitely be reading it in the near future.

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Marcy Wheeler has a good post today, “Go Stare at the Ocean”:

“…take some time, however long you can, to go stare at the ocean. Or the sky. Or a meadow or mountain or river. Or even a swarming city street.

Go stare at something and just stare.

Oh, and also, breathe. If you need to, do something that will help you breathe: yoga, walking, swimming, singing, playing the tuba.

And after you’ve stared for a while, sit down and think about how you’re going to pick yourself back up again. I’m not asking you to pick yourself back up again.

Yet.

Just asking you to make a plan about how you’ll do so.”

— Marcy Wheeler, “Go Stare at the Ocean”

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Imogen Heap released a new single!

Imogen Heap, “What Have You Done to Me?”

The Boston Anarchist Book Fair had a free, virtual workshop yesterday about holding COVID Safe(r) events, led by Fan Club. (Aside: I love their use of Neocities for the site)

It was a great workshop covering a lot of bases: ventilation; air purifiers, including the homemade Corsi-Rosenthal box; the Swiss cheese model of layered mitigations; Far UVC; and different types of masks. As a lover of live music, I appreciated that their background was in promoting punk and hardcore shows around Boston.

I learned of the precautionary principle:

“When an activity raises threats of harm to human health or the environment, precautionary measures should be taken even if some cause and effect relationships are not fully established scientifically. In this context the proponent of an activity, rather than the public, should bear the burden of proof.”

I had an idea of this general concept, though not necessarily by that name or stated so succinctly. Similarly, this quote resonated with me:

“People involved with organizing or hosting an event have more power to initiate and normalize good infection control practices.”

Check out the Fan Club zine linked in the sidebar of their site as well as their “we have the tools” site, which has a lot of resources.

Whoosh, there went July and August. And almost September. I did remember the 21st night of September, though.

It’s been a weird summer, lots of ups and downs. A good chunk of my blahs are from the weight of still taking Covid precautions while watching the majority of people pretend things are normal. I’ve been trying to combat that by intentionally connecting with more Covid Conscious (CC) communities online. I connected with a couple nearby that started up a CC Discord server for games of all types. They’ve had a couple in-person events in their garage. Masks were required, air purifiers were running, and there was good airflow with the garage door open. It’s been great to meet more people in a safe way like that. Yesterday, we had our first virtual board game night using Board Game Arena. It was a success! There’s also some general CC servers for San Diego and broader SoCal. They’ve been a great place to ask questions, learn, commiserate, and just have fun.

I’ve been following the Fan Favorite SD Instagram (formerly CovidSafeSocal) for a while now. It’s a mutual aid group that distributes high quality masks and Covid tests to anyone that needs them. They also loan out air purifiers (get it, Fan Favorite) to help make events safer. Every layer of protection helps and every broken chain of transmission has a tangible impact! Earlier this year they set up a Discord to coordinate volunteers. I was excited to get involved in any way I could, but especially with improving the web presence so we’re not reliant solely on Instagram. It’s still very basic, but we have fanfavoritesd.com now and we’re taking control of our links by using our own links in bio instead of Linktree. I look forward to adding more to the site like a local event calendar, links to resources, and of course a blog.

When the people who started up Fan Favorite were starting to get burnt out from juggling everything, I offered to help out with the mask pickups and mailings. I’m privileged to work from home and have a pretty flexible schedule, so it made sense to jump in. Seeing the requests for masks come in reminds me that I’m definitely not alone in this and it helps me maintain hope during times of despair. It’s really important to me to fight for hope. I am also enjoying the logistics of keeping track of our stock of masks 🤓 and thinking about open source software that might make it easier for groups to do this type of work without relying on big corporate silos. More to come on that sometime.

I can’t forget to mention that I went to the final XOXO Festival in Portland. I loved seeing some IndieWeb friends that I hadn’t seen since the before times; sharing the XOXO experience with Joe and Kelly; and the care the organizers put into their health and safety policy. I might write more about XOXO soon, but for now let’s click publish!

The LA Times has a reader survey with this title. I started to fill it out, then realized I should share my responses. If you want to fill it out, too, note that they request your name, email, and city.

How concerned are you about COVID right now? How often is it on your mind in daily life?

Very concerned. It is a daily consideration in order to protect myself and my community. I feel like it takes more mental and emotional effort now because so few are taking precautions; everyone is a potential risk vector. In the first couple years it was taxing, especially with the unknowns, but the majority of people around were masking at least. It felt like there was some level of solidarity and shared understanding, which feels almost entirely gone now.

How have the precautions you take changed over time? Or have they not?

I wore cloth masks for the first year or so. I briefly stopped masking as regularly in the summer of 2021 after the initial vaccines, but quickly started again when we learned that breakthrough infections could happen. In winter 2021-2022 I switched to using high quality respirators like KN95 or N95 and have continued since.

What have you noticed about how COVID is now viewed in your community or social groups? Do you think the average person is taking it more or less seriously than you are?

Most people have loosened up their precautions or stopped entirely. I blame this largely on the minimizing language that our leaders and public health institutions have promoted. They’ve basically ended their response to the pandemic and are not communicating the risk of repeated COVID infections, despite more and more research confirming it. This leaves individuals to fend for themselves in an incredibly unjust and expensive healthcare system. I think most people want to believe that if things were really bad, these institutions would be doing something. It is difficult to face, but these systems favor capital and profit more than our lives. A prominent example of this was the CDC reducing the infection quarantine from 10 days to 5 at the request of the Delta CEO, with no scientific backing.

The average person is definitely taking it less seriously than me.

A Rant: Chapter 369

I was back at my cardiologist today for a routine device check and echocardiogram. I wore an N95 as usual.

Nurse: “Mr. Morrill, we’re ready for you *cough*”

When I got in the room, the nurse checked my stats. Then two techs came in to check on my pacemaker. All were unmasked. I didn’t have the courage to ask them to wear a mask, even though I’ve had them put a request in my record that I’d like anyone in the room to be masked. One of them coughed while talking to me.

Then I was taken to another room for my echo. While we were walking there I kindly said, “Could I ask that you please wear a mask?” She initially said “We aren’t required to anymore,” which made me nervous... I have heard stories of people responding like that, but hadn’t experienced it myself. Thankfully, she continued, “it’s up to you, it’s fine if you want to keep it on.” So she had misunderstood me and wasn’t being a jerk after all. I clarified I was asking if she would. She seemed a bit surprised but obliged, “Oh, yes, I can if you’d like.” I said yes and thanked her. She came back in with a surgical mask on. Better than nothing and about the best I can expect these days.

When you get an echo, you’re laying on your side and they are sitting close beside you. As she got started with the process she said, “I actually like it when patients mask, not even because of covid so much, but because of bad breath. We sit so close to patients during this.” I kind of laughed it off and said something about how I’d definitely brushed my teeth, but internally I was definitely thinking WTF.

A bit later in the process she said “Something I just learned recently, since I wear N95s in the hospital, is it’s important to take breaks from them because of the buildup of air that you’re breathing in. It’s good to take it off and get some fresh air. I’m sure you’re not wearing them 24/7, but just so you know.” This is a common anti-masking talking point and is not true as far as I know. I don’t even remember how I reacted, probably just a verbal “Mm” and more internal screaming.

Look, even if you buy into “only the elderly and those with pre-existing conditions are at risk from covid,” shouldn’t a cardiologist’s office be a place you mask up all of the time? The majority of your patients meet both of those criteria!

I forgot to bring my Aranet4 with me to get CO2 readings. I need to get in the habit of taking that more places.

I’m tired, y’all. 😫

Previously

I was a high school kid in the ’90s and fell into the more alternative music crowd thanks to influence of friends like Tim Kilbourn. Granted, it was mostly the alternative Christian music scene, but there was still some good music there. I think I started to develop an anti-pop bias as a result. I definitely remember having the attitude that there wasn’t much value in “bubble gum pop.” I thought it was a better art form if the artists wrote their own music/lyrics and the lyrics dealt with “deeper” ideas.

I wouldn’t really reflect about this for many years to come. I’m not sure if it was the main catalyst, but I have a memory from the XOXO 2018 festival where they were playing Carly Rae Jepsen’s Emotion often between speakers. I had only known her for “Call Me Maybe” before that. That was definitely a catchy song, but it had been overplayed so I never really gave her a listen after that.

The Emotion songs were really catchy, but there was also something about hearing it in a crowd setting where a lot of other attendees were big fans and were getting into it. It made it more energetic and obviously stuck in my mind. When I finally listened to the whole album, it became one of my favorites.

The more I thought about it, I realized that there were a lot of artists in pop or pop-adjacent genres that I enjoyed and it didn’t really make sense to have such an arbitrary line about who made the music and how. Why did I love synthpop like Shiny Toy Guns but ignored pop like CRJ? I consciously started to try out more music I had written off or ignored before, and I’m really glad I did. I’m in my mid-40s now and I’m very aware of the tendency to get stuck in our ways, stick with what we know. Trying to expand the music I listen to is one small way I’m trying to avoid that. I have no illusions of it making me hip, but maybe it will help keep me young-ish 😃.

Speaking of “Call Me Maybe” and giving music another chance, I highly recommend this track break down by Christian Hand. I had no idea that Dave Ogilvie from Skinny Puppy mixed the song! Even if you’re tired of the song, suspend judgment momentarily and listen:

Christian Hand breaks down “Call Me Maybe”

Eventually this also led to me giving Taylor Swift a better listen. There’s still a lot of her music I haven’t listened to, but I particularly love folklore.

Taylor Swift, “this is me trying”

More recently, I’ve really been enjoying Chappell Roan. The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess is so good.

Chappell Roan, “HOT TO GO!”

Look, even America’s dad loves CRJ. Tell me this song isn’t a bop.

Carly Rae Jepsen, “I Really Like You”

What’s some music that you might have written off before but ended up loving?

I was summoned for jury duty a couple weeks ago. It wasn’t the most opportune time with work scheduling, but I did not think to defer it and it sneaked up quickly. I was last summoned for it in 2018. That was very shortly after I got my CA license and I remember thinking “wow, they’re fast.” That time I only had to stick around for a few hours before I was dismissed, so I hoped I’d have similar luck this time.

This was my first time going in the COVID era. I brought my new Aranet4 CO2 sensor out of curiosity. The jury assembly is a big open room that I would guess could hold a couple hundred people. I think there were 100–150 there that morning (? I’m bad at guessing large numbers of people). CO2 levels peaked about 1200ppm and didn’t get below 800ppm. That was not as bad as I was expecting, though still not great. I played “count the masks” and saw at least 10 other people masking. It’s unfortunate when such a small percentage seems like it’s worth celebrating, but alas.

After some introductory things, one of the judges came out to greet and thank everyone. He asked by show of hands how many had served before and a good portion had. Then he said, “It can’t be that bad if all these people came back, right?” which made me laugh because, uh, we’re mandated to show up.

They explained that most cases are 3–7 business days, but there was a longer case that could be up to four weeks. They wanted to pre-screen out people who couldn’t serve that long and gave a few reasons. I really didn’t want to serve that long. It would have definitely put stress on our small work team, but I didn’t technically meet the financial hardship criteria, so I didn’t fill out the form.

After lunch my name was called and I went up to the 20th floor. There were 67 of us called, though somehow between the morning check-in and then, we lost a person. That delayed the process of getting everyone in the courtroom because they have really specific procedures and can’t start until everyone in the jury pool is there. We were finally seated and got started. The judge briefly explained the criminal case and how the jury questioning process would go. He was very careful to explain that some things might trigger traumatic experiences, like questions about crimes we or loved ones have been victims of. I appreciated the care he took with that and that we had the option to answer more privately instead of in front of the whole jury pool. We got through a couple hours of questions before being sent home for the day.

The next day we only had a morning session, which was also delayed a bit by jurors showing up late. I was juror 40, so I was pretty sure they wouldn’t get to me that day. I also realized that the judge was only going through the first 50 people with the questions. I guess they only go through the last ~16 jurors after they start dismissing jurors and need to fill in those empty spots. (That “I guess” might be a bit of a spoiler for what’s coming…)

On Monday we were back for a full day. It was definitely interesting listening to other people’s answers. Some heavy things were discussed and it was fascinating hearing people talk candidly about their biases. One thing the judge explained very thoroughly is that we’d need to make our judgement only based on the evidence presented and the law as the judge explained it to us. We weren’t supposed to do any research of the law ourselves or ask other legal experts.

The case would apparently have some testimony in Spanish and we were directed to only take the English translation as the testimony, even if we understood Spanish. A couple people fluent in Spanish indicated that would be difficult, since they’d hear the Spanish first and sometimes nuances/slang can get lost in translation.

One of the last questions was if we would have any difficulty using only the evidence and the law explained to us in making our judgment and specified “even if you disagree with the law.” The expected answer is “no,” but I could not honestly respond that way. I think there can definitely be instances where a law is unjust and it’s the right of people to follow their conscience and vote not guilty. This is known as jury nullification, though I definitely don’t recommend using that phrase if you want to serve on a jury.

I was honest and answered that I could potentially have some difficulty with that, depending on the laws in question. I explained my thoughts (without using the phrase) and, understandably, the judge had some tough follow-up questions like, “so you would replace it with your own law?” I stuck to it, though, and explained I wouldn’t characterize it like that. He asked a few more questions and I think got a pretty clear picture. He didn’t even touch on some of my other question responses, like the attempted break-in that my mom experienced, and a potential work scheduling issue I mentioned. I took that as a sign I was probably going to be dismissed.

I didn’t say this out loud at the time, but I think I also have an issue with the potential impact on a person’s life by returning a guilty verdict. We wouldn’t be determining the sentence itself, but I have a hard time separating the two. When the prosecutor got to ask questions of us, another juror did basically bring this up. The prosecutor asked by a show of hands if anyone else felt similarly. I raised my hand and she said, “I think we already have a pretty good picture of you, juror 40.” I was quite certain I was getting dismissed at that point.

I was surprised the defense and prosecution only got about 20 minutes each to ask questions of the first 50 jurors. The defense was much more conversational and only asked about 4–5 questions in that time. The prosecutor had a slew of papers with sticky notes and rattled off like 15 questions of different jurors, though. It was impressive.

The judge and attorneys went out of the room for a little while and oddly, they played some white noise in the courtroom speakers. I guess it was to be extra certain that no one could overhear them. They came back after about 15 minutes and called about a dozen of our numbers, informing us that we’d been dismissed for cause. I was relieved, honestly, though glad I got to experience at least part of the process.

I might get to experience more of it this month, though, because I’ve also been summoned for jury duty in federal court. Oof!

My friend Al also had jury duty on Monday, so we were able to meet up for lunch and have some good conversation. Here is an obligatory picture of us in front of the courthouse. Apparently I forgot to check if I was blocking part of the name on the building. 😂

I’m glad to see protest songs continuing strong with Macklemore’s “Hind’s Hall”:

The title is a reference to a hall at Columbia that activists renamed in honor of Hind Rajab, a six-year-old Palestinian child who was killed by Israeli forces.

All proceeds from the song are going to United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Near East (UNRWA). Stream or buy it on your platform of choice!

The song samples the beautiful “Ana La Habibi” by Fairuz:

There’s a powerful music video for the Macklemore song as well, though YouTube is age-restricting it currently… heavy side-eye.

There’s an IndieWeb event in Düsseldorf this weekend, so I’ve been thinking about event health and safety policies again. I think there are two important aspects when it comes to these policies:

1. They should be in place well before the event and communicated clearly in key places: on the website, during registration, in announcements, and discussed during the event.

2. They should consist of more than only recommendations. A recommendation to wear a mask indoors is the bare minimum and not really an active measure. Such a recommendation leaves too much to individual opinion or risk assessment. Someone could very easily see a recommendation, think they’re not really at risk, and decide not to wear a mask — without considering the impact on others.

   Similarly, I think using only the venue’s guidelines is probably insufficient. This will vary, but generally I expect venues to only have recommendations at this point.

Together, these demonstrate the organizers’ commitment to active measures for the health and safety of everyone at the event. They set certain expectations and help potential participants decide if an event is safe for them to attend.

What I found

I went through several in-person event pages on the wiki and unfortunately found them lacking. This can be a barrier to participation, so I’d really like to see future IndieWeb events have stronger policies.

The Düsseldorf 2021 page did not have precautions, requests, or requirements listed before the event. After the event, it was updated with a Covid Info section indicating “No cases were reported from IndieWebCamp participants.” I didn’t see any photos of people masked.

The Düsseldorf 2022 page was updated the day before the event with the venue’s Covid “requirements and requests”. It recommended wearing a face mask indoors and taking a Covid test and mentioned free local test centers. I didn’t see any photos of people masked.

The Berlin 2022 page did not have precautions, requests, or requirements listed before the event. After the event, it was updated with a Covid Info section indicating “No cases were reported from IndieWebCamp participants.” I didn’t see any photos of people masked.

The Nuremberg 2023 page did not have precautions, requests, or requirements listed before the event. After the event, it was updated with a Covid Info section indicating “No cases were reported from IndieWebCamp participants.” It was also updated with a photo of the venue’s Covid rules. I don’t know German, so I’m not sure what they were (translations welcome on the wiki!). I didn’t see any photos of people masked.

The San Diego 2023 page did have requests and considerations posted in the weeks beforehand and finalized the week of the event. The final version was more detailed than other examples, suggesting wearing high quality masks when flying and avoiding (or at least masking in) higher risk settings like healthcare and public transit during the week before the event. It also requested if you are feeling unwell or having any respiratory systems that you participate remotely.

Aside: I was not involved with organizing this event in large part because I was very hesitant to have an in-person event when the wastewater data indicated we were entering the second largest wave of Covid transmission yet. It had already been quite high for weeks. I was also not confident in my energy levels at the time to advocate for stronger policies. I often feel like I’m the only one in the community raising these concerns and it can be exhausting. Honestly I was a bit nervous to even write this post.

I did eventually decide to attend this event since it was outdoors and I knew at least one other person would be masking. I was pleased that there ended up being 4-5 of us masked. Overall, I think the policy was decent. Recommendations may be about the best that can be done for pre-event/travel guidelines — certainly nothing enforceable. I would have preferred stronger language requiring people who are feeling unwell to not attend in person instead of a request.

The Brighton 2024 page had a policy very similar to San Diego 2023. I didn’t see any photos of people masked.

The Düsseldorf 2024 page has a recommendation to mask the first day and “no requirements” but recommended masking for the second day (at a different venue). The pre-event email didn’t mention anything about it. In the photos so far, I see one person masked.

What I would like to see

I really like the North Bay Python policy and its definitions of the key words: require, expect, encourage, and commit. Following those definitions, here is what I’d like to see in general:

• Require masks in indoor settings. Encourage masks in outdoor settings where distancing cannot be maintained.
  • Encourage using high-quality masks with an N95 or similar rating.
• Organizers commit to having a supply of high-quality masks available for any attendees that need one, free of charge
• Expect attendees to take a COVID test immediately before attending. Encourage testing daily during the event, on travel days, and on the 5th day after the event.
  • Encourage notifying organizers and close contacts if you test positive during/after the event
• Organizers commit to offering rapid tests for those with financial need

I recently started the wiki page for health and safety. I plan to continue documenting other event policies, make some recommendations, and advocate for stronger policies.

A recurring thought I’ve had is that we wouldn’t accept only recommending that people follow our code of conduct, so why should we only recommend that people try to make events healthier and more accessible?

This month marks four years since the start of the pandemic. I’ve been reflecting a lot and going through various emotions. That’s been a pretty regular process over the years, but this month it definitely seems heightened. I think that’s because the anniversary is a reminder of where we’ve been, how much has been lost, and leads me to wonder what’s possible in the future. It’s been four years of many things.

Fear

I started to isolate and mentally prepare on March 11, 2020, when the WHO declared it a pandemic. Then California issued its stay-at-home order on the 19th. I wish I had written more during that time, either in my journal or here, but my best recollection is that I thought it might be a couple months like that. That seemed like a really big deal (oh, sweet summer’s child), but I felt somewhat equipped for it since I had already been working remotely for years.

Mike McHargue put out some good podcasts about COVID during that time. I always appreciated his acknowledgment of how scary the times were and the importance of recognizing our feelings so we can make healthy responses. He’s a great science communicator and has a soothing voice. I’m glad I had that at the time and it helped set the tone for taking care of each other.

Community and Reimagining

For as scary as those times were, it felt encouraging to connect with people online. It felt like we were in the early days of realizing “things don’t have to be this way.” We can slow down, stop trying to climb the ladder, and take better care of each other. Suddenly, talking about protecting the immunocompromised and the disabled became a much more common topic of conversation. That has stuck with me through the years and only grown stronger as one of my values.

The Liturgists opened some Zoom rooms 24/7 for hangouts and events. I connected with a group there in April 2020. We hit it off so well the first night that we were on for about five hours. Most of us were complete strangers, but it became an almost daily hangout. And it just kept going, for all of 2020 and into 2021. Close friendships and romantic relationships would eventually come from that group. Things have slowed down in the last couple years, but we still have a group chat and a couple Zoom meetups per year.

Thankfully, most of my communities were on the same page about taking things seriously and trying to take care of each other. There were people who weren’t, though, including family. That weighed heavily on me (and often still does). Still, in that first couple years, I felt a level of solidarity and camaraderie with people. I felt hopeful that it could be a turning point. We were talking about communal care a lot, so maybe we could move away from our hyper-individualism. I didn’t expect it to be a utopia and change overnight, but it felt like we were bending that arc more towards justice.

Losing Hope

As 2022 went on, I was having a hard time holding on to that hope. I wrote about that in August. My mood was up and down often. I kept watching more and more people who had been taking precautions just stop. The low feelings got lower each time as I felt I was losing more of my community.

As much as I love missiongathering church and believe in their mission, I eventually stopped going in person. It was really hard for me to be in a community space like that and one of only a few that was still wearing a mask. I think it hurt more because they are people who are in a similar place spiritually, with similar values of caring for each other and the community. It seemed like a big disconnect between those values and the actions. I got worn out trying to psych myself up to continue going. I did later connect with the new interim pastor, which I also wrote about. I really appreciate Braeden and that we’ve kept in touch, regardless of whether I’m an active member in the church community.

Tensions rose with family members who didn’t take it as seriously as I did. I mostly tried to avoid bringing it up and if conversation did come around to it, engage minimally. I’ve realized that this means I’m not bringing my full self into those relationships, though. I understand “agree to disagree,” to an extent, but this disagreement also has a big impact on my decisions for when and how to be around people. The full phrase isn’t “agree to disagree, then we can pretend like everything is the same as it was in 2019.” I’m still processing and working through expressing these ideas so I can show up more in these relationships. I don’t have to convince everyone to be on the same page as me, but I will communicate my boundaries.

In early 2023 I came across a COVID-conscious group that hosts a weekly Zoom hangout. It was a pretty big group, around 100 people in a variety of topical breakout rooms, everything from lighthearted chat to serious science discussions. It was so refreshing and felt validating to be among people who are on the same page. There’s a couple of these groups, and I currently have been attending the Third Place Hangout on Saturday evenings semi-regularly. It helps me feel less alone.

Abandonment

I’ve been frustrated and angry with the public health response for years. First the CDC lowered the recommended infection quarantine from 10 days to 5. They did that at the request of the Delta CEO, no scientific backing. That was also during the largest wave we’ve had in the US (Omicron). In my recollection that was also when the idea “everyone’s going to get it anyway” started gaining traction in opinion pieces and regular discussion. People were “vaxxed and relaxed” and our institutions did very little to inform people of the risk of repeated infections or how to reduce transmission. The CDC messaging hardly ever mentioned wearing a high quality mask. They literally mentioned “wash your hands” more often than masking. Rochelle Walensky, director of the CDC at the time, said, “The scarlet letter of this pandemic is the mask.” Her replacement has hardly been any better.

Fast forward to 2024 and they have now effectively reduced the infection quarantine to one day. 24 hours after you no longer have a fever and “symptoms are improving,” they say you’re good to go about like normal. Never mind that COVID infections regularly last at least 10 days and most transmission happens from people not showing any symptoms. This guidance is criminally negligent, but is also not surprising because ultimately the CDC serves capital more than it does public health.

I try to aim a lot of my frustration at the institutions that have abandoned us more than at individuals, but it is also really difficult seeing so many people going around acting like things are normal. Especially people who used to mask. People on airplanes, in crowded venues, even in healthcare and hospitals, all without a mask. How quickly we’ve forgotten “protect the immunocompromised and disabled.” I have to remind myself that a lot of this must be due to the strong “back to normal” messaging we’ve heard. Plus, social pressure cannot be underestimated. I know firsthand how weird and isolating it feels to be the one person masked in a crowd. I recall seeing a poll showing that a decent percent of people would be willing to mask again if more people around them did, though I can’t find it currently.

Hope?

It has been a very traumatic period of time for everyone, whether they want to admit it or not. We need to collectively and individually grieve the world that we lost. That world is gone. We need to re-evaluate how we move forward, taking steps to keep each other safer. I feel like so many people have slipped back into the denial stage of the Five Stages of Grief. No matter how much we pretend things are normal and go about our days taking no precautions, unfortunately, reality is going to catch up. Repeat infections will continue to decimate immune systems and cause long-term health issues in multiple organs (see Long COVID data).

I watched a TikTok video in response to the refrain, “but I have to live my life and you should too.” Lizzie explained how the precautions we (COVID-conscious people) are taking ultimately comes from a deep love for life. We understand that our precautions are an investment in our own futures and in our community’s future. We love life, we are living it, and we want to continue to live it with as robust a baseline as possible. It was an encouraging message, but honestly I’m not sure how much I’ve “loved life” in the last couple years. Still, I think there must be some level of that deep down because I can’t imagine stopping the precautions I’m taking.

That’s where I’m at lately. I go back and forth among depression, hopefulness, despair, and whatever else. I don’t know if I’m “getting better” overall. These paths are rarely ever linear, so that is probably not the best way to think about it. I am glad that I still have moments of hope. I try to use my energy in those moments to make a better future. Often that’s by promoting better health information, resources, and organizations that are having an impact. I’d like to wrap up this post with some of those.

• If you or loved ones think COVID is no big deal anymore (first of all, thank you for reading this far 😀), the site youhavetoliveyour.life has good information in response to common ideas like “it’s like the flu” or “I got it and I’m fine.”
• Get connected with a mask bloc / clean air club in your area. These are volunteer groups that advocate for masking, provide free masks, and free air filtration for indoor events. covidactionmap.org manages a map of them, or search for “mask bloc” (note no “k”) + your city/region. A lot of them are organizing via Instagram. If you’re in San Diego: Fan Favorite SD
• Encourage events you are attending to be safer and more inclusive by cleaning the air, requiring masks, and taking the Public Health Pledge
• Get involved with a local mutual aid group. These lists may not be current, but are a good starting point: Covid-19 Mutual Aid List and mutualaidhub.org. Or search “mutual aid” + your city/region. If you’re in San Diego: We All We Got SD
• Meet other COVID-conscious people in your area with covidmeetups.com
• Get involved with the World Health Network
• Follow People’s CDC for COVID information and advocacy
• Follow Imani Barbarin for disability justice and advocacy
• Join the Third Place Hangout Zoom on Saturdays. Here is the info for this week’s event. Follow Derrick on Instagram for reminders about future events.
• Follow The Gauntlet newsletter for COVID information, updates, and commentary